I'm choosing to see this day through a different lens. Choosing to not keep the current habits I've seemed to take on. I'm choosing to see the beauty of today - the little bit of shopping I did at Target first thing this morning where I purchased these fun shoes. Choosing to love the quiet moments in the studio before everyone arriving for Wild Writing. Choosing to love each and every woman that shows up every week to spill their stories. The courage they show and help me show is undeniable.  Choosing to take a much needed walk all by myself to capture all the amazing colors blooming right now. Choosing to not go down a slippery slope of made up conversations in my head. Choosing to show up just as I am with an old friend. Choosing to share what I hadn't intended. Choosing to take care of myself first. Choosing to drink more water than usual. Choosing to pick out the expensive salted dark chocolates. Choosing to head home at a decent time. Choosing to not engage in arguments with a 7 year old. Choosing to look into the mirror and say I love you because I really needed to hear it today from myself. Choosing to be gentle, to be kind, to show love and compassion. Choosing a different story today...

21

25 Things You Don't Know About Me.

1. I want to be a great mother but feel so much shame around how I really am.

2. I avoid looking at my bare thighs in the mirror.

3. I have a problem with shopping.

4. I spend too much money, that I really don't have.

5. We owe so much money in taxes it's scary.

6. All I really want to do is sit around a table and talk about real topics and stories with other women.

7. I feel like the universe has big plans for me but it scares the hell out of me to find out what those are.

8. I often make myself small and unseen.

9. I would much rather be a photographer at a party working the room and you not know I'm there, than front and center.

10. Teahouse is wonderful but a hell of a lot of work and I'm not really sure what will happen.

11. I look at flights to anywhere every single day.

12. If I could get on a plane right now I would.

13. My kids had McDonalds 2 times last week. No, really 3 actually.

14. I am addicted to Friday Night Lights.

15. I'm not sure what the future holds for my marriage.

16. That scares the hell out of me.

17. I can write a story better than I can tell it by talking.

18. If we sat down together I would come off rather shy, but put a little time into me and I will tell you anything.

19. I am transcribing interviews for someone else who wants to write a book.

20. If I could make money by traveling, talking with other women, documenting their stories and telling you about it, I would in a second. 

21. Figuring out how to leverage this and make it happen.

22. I'm scared as shit to tell my truth ...sometimes...

23. Taking self portraits heals me in more ways than I ever could of imagined.

24. I secretly pray that my daughters won't get my big nose.

25. I'm working on tapping into my intuition, because I feel that is where my true self really lives.

Thank you to the brave and beautiful Tiffany Moore, she inspired this post today.

this could be about so many things, like managing big disappointment and how that feels and looks like and asking how you do it or how i am venturing into something new once again and trying to decide on names, looks and and and or how i love sitting around a living room with other women and sharing our stories, learning new ways, creating new stories and could i make a living doing that?  and how? or how i'm excited about a new photography adventure this weekend or how i'm so utterly overwhelmed in a part of my life that i've been ignoring it, sweeping it under the rug and of course it keeps creeping back out..and what to do with all that.

so yes, there is a lot on my mind and i coud venture down any of these roads but it's hard to choose just one and not go down a rabbit hole with all of them

so i think i'll just stop but wanted to come here anyway, to be, just me ...in my little home away from home

I actually don't even know what I'd write if I knew no one was reading...well i do...but I've gotten in the habit of knowing someone is going to read it or i'm going to read it outloud

taking Laurie's wild writing class got me over a bit of this - you see we free write for 15 min and then we read it and on some occassion i admit i think about it, i think about what i'm writing and that i'm going to actually be saying it outloud.  i think saying it out loud knowing no one is going to say anything back is a release like no other - it's just out in space and gone. it's actually strange when someone from class comes up afterwards and says something about what i wrote.  because sometimes i actually do release it, it's gone. other times not so much, i wish it was gone, but it's not.

so when i come to this space i wonder if i'll write exactly what i want to write or if i'll edit for consumption by others?  would i swear more if i didn't know anyone would read it?  probably not, but i do swear a lot in real life.  i might write more about the shame i feel i think.  i never really knew what shame was until i got introduced to Brene' Brown and then it was loud and clear what my shame was.  being a mother - that's my shame, in how i mother, and the not good enoughs and the things that come flying out my mouth and the way i snap more than i'm willing to admit.  yup, that's it.  i really don't feel it too much other places.  but mothering, that's the hiccup ...  my girls are beautiful and young and i don't think i've broken them yet, but we can never really know what stays in the psyche can we?  we can't really know what will stay with them until that fateful day when one of them tells me ...remember when you said this mom?  and my heart will break, i just know it.  but all i can do is wake up everyday knowing i love them and i am trying to do right and trying to do the best i can with what i have...  and i feel like i'm repeating words my mom told to me and it didn't help, but it's the truth. we are all doing the best we can in the moment....

Ok, so I was really UP earlier this week and now well, I'm not down per say but man the roller coaster I tend to ride gets to be a bit much.  I remember writing when I first quit my full time job and being over the moon, because I was. I was excited to jump and spread my wings like I didn't feel I could with a full time office job.  I never thought it was going to be easy, I knew better.  But the juggling ~ family, myself, work, dreams, teahouse...all of it takes it's toll and I'm still trying to figure it all out.  I'm not complaining, really I'm not.  I made these choices and now I'm just trying to figure it all out - even after 2 years. 

I'm learning to ask myself the hard questions, the questions that make me look really hard at my priorities and to ask myself what I really want to be doing.  not what others think I should be doing, not what others think will make me money, but me...myself. what do i think.  what do i know.

sometimes it takes a while to quiet the monkey mind and all the other voices coming into my head at any given moment. to walk away from the computer, to go outside, be with myself, my kids.  be present.  even then it's hard to get there - to get to the place where you can really make a decision thats not based on fear or pure not wanting to do the work place.

so that's where i am right now - asking myself the hard questions, making sure i put the energy i have into the project that feels the best to me.  i know some people may not understand the choices i make, that i should be doing what's best for my family in terms of making money but i know myself, and if i'm not making the right choice for myself, i'm not making the right choice for my family.  i know that to be true.

so have you been thinking of this "great" idea for a long time and you just want to DO it already? is there a project you've been sitting on and you know what you have to do but the first step is always the hardest? did you just get that book deal you've been asking for and now you're thinking "now what?"

well ..i totally get it. i've been there and still am in some ways.  we all have ideas and the difference between some people is that there are people who have the idea and just keep going with it and there are others who have the idea, mull it over, think about it some more and then maybe just maybe get to it and then the others have the ideas and never do them.

i've had some ideas - some i acted on and some i didn't.  like the I am awesome. t-shirts. those were an idea and i pretty much ran with it, not sure how that one got done so much quicker than others but it did and i'm so happy that i made them and that people are emailing me telling me that they really do feel that they ARE indeed awesome!  YES!  i had the idea to quick my job after 10 years and pursue a more creative life, well that took about 3 years to actually do but i did it. whether or not i was fully prepared or not, i did it.  i had the idea to create a space where we could bring in teachers and lead amazing workshops and well - we did that.  again, with a lot of questions and not a whole lot of knowledge we did it.  so, see .. we can make these things happen.

Look at my friend Maya - she had an idea and man, did she ever make it happen. in fact, she's going to be making it happen very very soon!  so many people got behind her and helped her make it happen. it takes more than just one. 

we need to ask for help, yes, that word - help. they were right (whoever "they" were) but it does take a village and the days of me sitting in my own little corner trying to figure out how to get it all done is over. i'm asking for help and i'm getting it. people are more than willing and excited to help put my dream out into the world. it's so much more fun when we engage our friends in on the secrets of our hearts. isn't it?  i heard that from Jen Lee - and we all know she's been getting her ideas out there.

So I'm embarking on a few new ideas, new ways to bring myself out into the world. I hope you will join me on the journey ~ I'm hoping to document my way through all the ups and downs so you too can see how it's done and please, if you have ideas, advice, words of wisdom please do share - I'm open.

xx

so I used to meet with some pretty amazing women on Monday mornings - we were from all sorts ~ painters, illustrators, writers, crafters, photographers... we would meet on monday mornings to regroup on what each of us were doing and to be held accountable for projects we wanted to happen.  I participated for over a year and it was the best thing ever. 

now i meet with a group of "awesome" women once a month over wine, cheese, chocolate and sometimes healthy food!  we're a coach, crafters, jewelry maker, artist, photographer, entrepreuners.  I have to say we totally rock. 

There is something to be said about support, acknowledgment, accountability and just plain love between women.  We can move mountains and we have.  We can be there with champagne when one of us gets engaged, we can be there with kleenex when one of us is having a very hard time, we can be there with pom poms when one of us is really kicking ass and we can be there for so much more.

It's been such a gift and a life saver to have these women in my life and I have to say not much would get done without them.  Yesterday I spent the day making lists, brainstorming, researching and checking things off because of this meeting - because I knew I wanted to show up with something to offer. for myself and for them.  we all help one another. we all matter. we all count.

community, connection...it's what it's all about.

xx

So as I mentioned in my earlier post yesterday was Plant a Kiss day ~ In the spirit of Amy Krouse Rosenthal's work, 16 inspiring and creative bloggers (including me!) set out to "Plant a Kiss" in the world on Sunday, April 29. We each did something we thought would spread a little extra joy, color, connection, poetry, or magic in the world. Then we watched to see what would happen!

I first have to say that I woke up with a terrible head cold but having promised the girls we would head the city to participate in a Bubble Flash Mob to spread the love of Plant a Kiss day ~ I knew I couldn't NOT go!  So I popped a bunch of meds and we set out to the city and wow, was it a beautiful day! 

The Bubble Flash Mob was to start at 11:11 in Delores Park, SF ~ they recently renovated the whole playground so we were excited to get there to see!  Once we go there - the park was hopping, we found Sherry and friends and were all abuzz as to what was going to happen once 11:11 came around.   People started seeing all the bubble parphanalia they quickly circled in and wanted in on the action.  The word had gotten out to the news stations and more and more people had heard about it through various networks.  It was so great!

I was really surprised by the amount of people that had shown up and once 11:11 hit everyone started in on the bubble magic and the machine was going non - stop.  The kids were having a blast, the adults were too!  No one can help but smile when there are bubbles around ~ such pure joy was had. Amy would of been proud.  Sherry and her neice and friends should be proud too ~ they created this abundance of joy!  I was so happy that we went and even though I was blowing my nose instead of blowing bubbles I wouldn't of had it any other way!

More photos from the day can be found here

So now...check out what the rest of the bloggers did to celebrate Plant a Kiss day ~

Today each of us is posting about that experience. Click here to visit the main Plant a Kiss page, where you can easily link to all participating bloggers. For every blog that you visit and comment on, your name will be tossed into a hat for a chance to win one of many amazing prizes such as online writing, photography, or dream-building classes; coaching sessions; artwork, or jewelry.  I'm giving away either a print or t-shirt from my shop!  Good Luck!!

xx

My dear friend Sherry is hosting a Plant a Kiss blog hop party on May 1st ~ check it out for all the details and don't forget to come back here to see what I did on "Plant a Kiss" day!



i won't go on and tell you where i've been or what's been going on

i won't tell you the ugly bits that go on inside my head and behind closed doors

i won't tell you the dirty secrets that we all have and the shame wrapped around them

i will tell you about the giggles that i heard from Penelope made my heart almost explode

i will tell you that seeing my girls in a pool made me smile big, big enough to even get me into the pool

i will tell you that those 2 days spent in Santa Cruz on our spring break - staycation healed my heart in small bits

i will tell you that a day at the beach creating structures out of drift wood are good for the soul and everything in between

i will tell you that turning off computers and phones do a mind and body good

i will tell you that a weekend spent with jen lee and friends will have you dropping to your knees with gratitude and love

i will tell you that sitting around tables sharing stories with other women feels like saving the world or if it's just saving me, well that's enough

i will tell you that if i could create my days around sitting around a table or cozied up in chairs sharing our stories i would do it in a heartbeat ~ we heal each other with our words

i will tell you that my polaroid is my newest bff

i will tell you that planning an artist party for my 7 year old Kadison was hard work but it was every bit worth it ~ seeing those canvases done by all the kids made my heart blow up ~ they don't even know ..and that is why.

i will tell you that some days are so hard i don't know what end is up or down but then a light is given to me by a good friend and then i breath again

i will tell you that i have been given so many gifts over the past 2 weeks that i'm not sure what to do with but just knowing they are gifts is enough for now

i will tell that you a 3 week road trip back home to the midwest is in the works and that is the light at the end of the tunnel right now....

what can you tell me?