she sat there cross legged on the floor, trying to keep her head up after a long day
listening to the breathing of her daughter
wondering if it was safe to leave the room, was she sleeping yet
this has become habit now
taking a few extra minutes to take it all in
he's gone tonight so it was just the girls
one asleep early; her 3 month birthday today
the other one on her way
and this one...well it would be nice to go to sleep but there are things to do
what...
everything and anything
wednesday already...this last week going way to fast
monday ...back to work.....
another change to rustle all of us up again

~wildflowers
~other moms who say "me too"
~yummy crispy pizza
~3 hour naps
~Oprah shows

Off on a family road trip ~ man, i loved those as a kid..... our wanderlust is getting the best of us and so we're off. Loading the kids, snacks, games, camera's, coolers, beach toys, blankets, magazines, sunglasses and flip flops.

I have to head back to work soon so this is our last hoora! before reality sets in and these last 3 months are left behind....REALLY trying hard not to focus on that and try to enjoy this trip for what it is.....us ...together....wandering...

~to the moms i met today
~a call from my lit'l sis
~emails from lovelies
~a trip to Tilden park this week - and just the quiet ...hmmm...nice
~to books like "The DOT" and "ISH"

I think I'm coming "un-hinged"
no ~ you're fine
no, I think I really am
oh, come on you're fine

you're not listening to me
yes, I am.. you said "you think you're coming un-hinged"
yes, that's what I said and I acknowledge that you "heard" me
but you aren't listening

you're assuming I'm fine, you're saying I'm fine, when I'm telling you I'm not
if you were listening you'd ask me "what's up?" , not just go about your day....

something vibrant
something dancing in the breeze
something orange
something free

(new haircut)

(you and me - clowning around)

Dear Kadison ~

Wow, honey you are becoming such a little girl. The big 3 today!

I'm going to be totally honest and tell you that this year has been one of the most difficult years of my life and probably your Daddy's too. The year of you being 2 is gone and we are all ready to say goodbye to it.

There is a lot that contributed to this past year. Me, having a baby growing inside and being utterly exhausted and you having more energy than all of us combined. Your Daddy graduated and started job searching. You started daycare after your nanny up and left us one day. That took us all awhile to get used to but now we all love the little place you go to 3 days a week. You've learned so many new songs, more new dance moves, and have made some great new friends.

This past year you've gone from your crib to a big girl bed to our bed to back to your bed and now we're still trying to all get used to sleeping in our own beds all night long. Mama or Daddy slept with you a lot until Mama's belly got way to big to fit in your tiny bed with you so then it was all about Daddy. This has just added to you being very much a Daddys Girl. There isn't a day or even a moment that goes by that you don't want to know where your Daddy is. He is your light. I have to admit this was hard for me to get used to and even still is but I know we all love each other very much and that our family is a tight unit that wouldn't be if it wasn't for all of our love.

I must say I've been so proud of you for the way you've welcomed your baby sister Penelope into our family; you were excited and interested through out my pregnancy and you couldn't love her any more now that she's here. Of course there are times that you wish we could all just pay attention to you but for the most part you love her and want to help out as much as possible. You never once asked us to take her back or for her to leave. You have asked us to put her in her crib so we could all read books in peace like the old days and sometimes I yearn for the old days too but things change my sweets and I know that you will be the greatest big sister Penelope could ask for. She already loves to hear your voice and smiles and "marches" her legs around when you come into a room so it's only a matter of time before she is on your heels to play with you.

You surprised us all by potty-training yourself the weekend before Penelope came into this world and somehow we think you realized how helpfull that would be and how grateful we were for this to all happen.

I have FINALLY realized that I can't worry or stress about "when" you will stop and start new things and that you will do everything in your time and that will be the right time. No more pushing or rushing you. I hope to have learned this and if I slip back into my old ways I'm sure you'll tell me..."Mama, wait a minute!" and then I'll be put back in my place.

You have a strong will and "you are one smart cookie" as your Grampa Ray will tell you. And you will reply back "that's true!" If we could all just slow down a bit, relax a bit more, eat good foods, get the amount of rest we all need we will be a very happy family.

Your imagination has totally blown me over, it's hilarious and wonderful to experience. The "green slide" that we can slide down and be somewhere else in just an instant. We have gone to NY to visit our friend Cynthia, we have gone to Atlanta to visit our friend Tina, we've gone to Minnesota to see Granny and Grampapa and to Wisconsin and Washington....it's awesome the way you make sure we come back on the green slide to get back home. Once the phone rang and I ran to get it but you reminded me we weren't "home", we were in NYC. "Oops, I forgot"; "oh, that's OK mama, we all make mistakes!" You amaze me on a daily basis and again, if I just slow down and pay attention we're all much happier!

We are all in this together and learning along the way together. We'll keep on trying to do the very best we can and remember that in the end it's all about love, laughter and big hugs and kisses baby doll!

May this next year of being 3 bring you so much happiness, laughter and many great new experiences.....I know it will for me since you are in my life.

Happy Birthday Sweet Cheeks!
love,
mama

When I'm awake during a nightly feeding I write in my head all these great entries for this online place and then I fall back to sleep...

When morning comes everything starts happening and then it's 9pm again and time for bed...

Then it starts all over again...

One of these days I'll jot down some thoughts during the night so I can remember the words, the thoughts, the feelings and maybe just maybe I'll get the time to put them here...

Until then, this is all I have...

~getting ready for Kadison's 3rd birthday
~getting ready for my favorite gals to show up on Friday night
~visiting with a dear friend and realizing I'm not all that crazy and what I'm going through won't last forever
~baking cupcakes for a K's class
~walking under all the blossoms
~purging books, clothes, anything I can get my hands on ....SPRING CLEANING
~watching Oprah's Big Give
~laughing with Penelope and watching her grow right before my eyes
~trying to start grasping the idea of going back to work....

(penelope ~ 2 months)

Nothing better than a laughing babe!

grateful for my two beautiful girls
grateful to have a peaceful evening with them
grateful for the sun to be shining today
grateful for dove dark chocolates

what are you grateful for today?

{It snowed more the day before we left}

Kadison meets snow!

.....Glad to be back in SUNNY, WARM and DRY California.

to you for taking me as i am for the last 13+ years
to you for being a fabulous father
to you for knowing the santa cruz boardwalk was what we all needed
to you for letting me do what i need to do when i need to do it
to you for being there for me
to you for not thinking i'm crazy for the thoughts i have
to you for holding my hand
to you for giving me that hug at just the right moment
to you who lays across from me with 2 kids in between us
to you who laughs at my jokes or my funnies
to you who makes me laugh like no other
to you who loves "Friends" like i do
to you who will do just about anything for me
to you who knows exactly what to do when the time comes
to you, my partner in this crazy life we lead

trying to see this photo as it is meant to be and that is .... nothing better than just sitting by the ocean/bay and digging for sand.

that is what my kids teach me daily ...is to slow down, relax and enjoy the small moments and stop being in such a hurry to do what???

enjoy the moments and realize all i have to really do is take it one day at a time.

the craziness will pass ...maybe...