photobooth image ~ pop art of 21 week belly
age 6: realizing that telling my kindergarten class that my mom was "pregnant" was somehow wrong... finding out for the first time how it felt to be made wrong
age 10/4th grade: getting suspended from school with 2 other friends for writing a nasty note to a classmate; realizing after the fact that people even if they are your "friends" really don't stand by your side. i was the one "outed" the other 2 were seen as innocent bystanders. realizing i was alone.....
age 11/5th grade: first heartbreak by a boy named jeremy
age 11/5th grade: first realized that boys liked blonde girls more than brown haired girls
age 13/7th grade: second heartbreak by a boy named jeff; this went on for 3 years
age 13/7th grade: coming to terms with knowing i was a follower and not a leader. took a school wide test that declared me depressed. this is only the beginning
age 13/7th grade: my best friend and i are joined at the hip, finally feel loved...this will last until i'm 17
age 15/9th grade: smoke pot for the first time and last time for a long time
10th grade: meet a guy named Ken in my drivers ed; first time a "cool" guy paid attention to me.
10th grade: finally get boobs ~ late bloomer
11th grade: made the hockey cheerleading team and my life changed dramatically and was never the same after
11th grade: get arrested at a underage drinking party; scared to death of my dad ...but ends up it wasn't that big of a deal and all the charges were dropped
11th grade: best friend and i break up
11th grade: start dating my first real boyfriend; this will be a tumultous affair that will last until my sophmore year of college
Age 20 - spent 48 hours in psych ward; realizing many many years later this was a good thing and how much my friends cared about me. I'm only sorry it took me that long to appreciate them for this
never felt like i belonged anywhere and that has carried on through out my life. there have been times where i was a part of a group that i felt loved and taken care of but always having a bit of anxiety that the rug was going to get pulled out from underneath.
this hasn't changed.
i guess now after all these years and being a part of this family i have created i'm trying to dig myself, my true self out and finding out who that person really is can be frightening but also refreshing.
becoming a mother was something i dearly wanted but when it came about and now 2 years into it my feelings are not what i expected or thought they should be. i love my daughter beyond belief and would do anything for her but coming to terms with the should's and the actually is has been a learning experience for me. i guess realizing that finally .... after all these years is freeing..
I tell myself every morning in the mirror to not be subject to what "everyone else" wants me to be and do my best to be who i want to be....
I'm back in my Thursday night Wild Writing with Laurie Wagner ~ this is a part of the writing that came out tonight....
Why?
Why are we all coming here acting like we have it all together
when we know that moment we walk in that door and see Laurie's soft eyes~
all we want to do is fall into her arms and never come out?
Why are we all driving here to there so fast and furious ~ what is our hurry and does it all really matter?
Why does love make us do so much crazy fucking things?
Why do we want to be loved?
Why do we think love is enough or not?
Why do we care?
What is in each of us that makes us one way or another?
Why do we need to try to be perfect?
Why does sleeping on your back during pregnancy make you wrong?
Why does the head ache?
Why are we all weeping?
Why doesn't happiness feel like this?
Why are we all drawn together by our sorrow?
Why are we all trying to please and not hurt?
Why is honesty so hard?
Why is being blind and naive the best way to be?
Why is being early a good thing?
Why does color and light effect us so much?
Why does the sound of the ocean bring me peace?
Why does one thing one time not bring me the same happiness again?
Why are we all weeping?
Why does being a 2 year old give you so much power?
Why are we all weeping?
why....
"getting ready for winter early..."
we're off again ...to visit with family and friends in the midwest....have to get some trips in before this new little "melon" bursts into our world...
be back soon....
just being home this extra day, this extended holiday weekend..is just enough to get us hooked on seeing one another each and every day...hanging out, making lunch, taking walks, reading books, running outside, playing ball....
just one extra day gets us hooked....
tomorrow back to the reality ....but at least we had today my love!