over the past couple of years; ever since becoming a mother i've come to realize that i filter myself most of the time in the way i feel or how i want myself to be portrayed here because sometimes, most of the time things are not pretty.I don't want people to think i'm a bad mother because i can't usually put a humorous spin on it like some can...even though it usually is pretty funny in the end.
i read this billboard every morning that says "misery is overrated" "dare to be happy" - well tell me about it! I wish for that. I wish that I could just turn it on and off like that but i've come to realize that i can't just do that. there has always been a not so pretty side to me and i've tried to run from it, hide it from myself and others, i've shouted it from the rooftops and i've forgotten about it at times but it's there, it's within in, it's me. and i can't deny that any longer.
you see there is dark and there is light and i need to accept it and i hope that you can too.
just because people/myself have dark sides doesn't mean that i'm going to do something extreme; it just means that, that's how i'm feeling and i'm not ashamed to talk about it. it's just me. and it may be at times a downer and seem negative in this "let's all think positive" world but i just don't have the energy to try to be someone else any longer.
believe me i don't want to dwell on things any more than i already do and i want to be happy more times than not but sometimes it just ain't happening....
another rambling post, i know...but it needed to be said....
i haven't been carpooling lately since my schedule has been a bit weird with Kadison's new daycare situation. even though I like the idea of carpooling i do like it when i can have the alone time in my car. it's really the only time I'm really alone.
it's funny sometimes how i feel the need to crank the music as loud as possible so to drown out all the thoughts in my head and other times i need it off so i can hear myself think...
i've been feeling very restless lately; more so I guess since I'm known to be a restless soul. the imbalance of life has been getting to me one way or another and trying to keep it from going to far south or too far north can be exhausting
so to have some quiet alone time in the car can be such a blessing even if i am sitting in bumper to bumper traffic
awhile back i wrote about taking a walk in berkeley on a random day and how that helped me so much.... i need that again, and not in the thinking about it till i burst way ...the really needing to get out in nature and walk way!
we went on a mini vacation this weekend - where we stayed in a hotel in the area to be able to swim in a pool and to just get out of our own lives for awhile. it was just what was needed; we didn't need to go hours or miles to feel like we were away. we hung out in nature, played at playgrounds, swam in a pool, had ice cream in the middle of the day and had a scrumcious dinner out.
just a little something can go a long way.....
(via photobooth)
when a little someone comes to mama's work to surprise her!
~she melts my heart
~hearing the clomp, clomp of someone walking up our steps, turning around and receiving a home-made dinner so delicious I'm still thinking about it after 3 days
~laughing so hard with friends at a quiet restaurant
~celebrating a milestone birthday with a friend
~dressing up and showing cleavage and feeling really damn good about it
~going out to lunch
~flip flops
~the song "i'm a little teapot" over and over in my head
~planning a trip back home to visit friends
~the sound of beth's soft reassuring voice on the other end of the phone
~the hot sun on my face
~stripes
~high heels
~warm blankets out of the dryer
out the door late
hitting no traffic what so ever
listening to the morning show actually making me laugh
coming out of the tunnel over the big ol bridge
i see them...in the distance...
yes, them...
it's been so long..
but here they are...5, 6, 8 of them
yes, the pelicans..
they have come to say good morning once again
and i couldn't of been happier to see them
today is going to be a good ol day!
day at the zoo ~ goats ass
dropping Kadison off at her new daycare/preschool and hearing her screams of "mama!!!" and the face of pure sadness breaks my heart. knowing that she does not want to go there and have us leave her just makes me want to re-think everything about our lives and how can we change this for her....but also knowing that she's usually fine not long after we leave ...but it still sucks. they tell us she's scared to go out in the back yard and goes into hysterics if they try to bring her out there...now what is that about? we don't know...
we visited her homeopathy doctor this weekend for a check in about the hives she's been getting off and on since January. Our pediatrician couldn't explain why or do anything about them so we consulted "Dr. Beth" a wonderfully calm and healing homeopapthy practicioner. The hives have decreased but they aren't fully gone. We spoke on Sat. about Kadison's anxiety about daycare and what we can do to lessen it...i hope something works soon for her and for us.
the weekends are a haven for all of us and then Monday comes and it starts all over again, really trying hard to think positively and realistically but damn! it sure is hard to do that when we all feel like shit!
They don't call it Manic Monday for nothin I guess...
We enjoyed our day by going out to breakfast, taking a 3 hour nap, enjoying some beach time, kicking the ball around the yard, playing hopskotch and just plain lounging on a Sunday afternoon.....nothing could of been better.
wishing you and yours a very happy day!
**more photos from our day
almost 90 here today...a lot of trying to stay cool and a bit of a water fight mixed in with it...made me think of the dog days of summer back in Wisconsin where running through the sprinkler on summer break was the highlight of life!