the weekends are often dreamt about
they are something i wish to come sooner
when they come i wish for them to be longer
going to bed later
waking a bit later
playing outside
running errands
doing laundry
cleaning the house
drinking wine
eating more
laughing more
stretching more
the universal question is how can we bring the weekends into our daily work-week lives?
if anyone knows or has solved the mystery please let me know...
have you ever felt so angry you shook inside?
have you ever felt so angry you could feel your heart beat in your chest?
have you ever felt so angry you couldn't help but cry?
have you ever been so sad that you covered it up with your attitude?
have you ever been so sad you didn't realize it was sadness?
have you ever been so happy that time stands still in that moment?
have you ever been so relieved to see someone that you catch your breath?
have you ever been so tired and beat down that it takes all you have to just lift your feet up off the ground to put one in front of the other?
then one day something happens ...the anger stirs and shows itself, the sadness peeks out from under it all and the smile spreads across your face when you see her and that one person sees through it all....
to be heard and seen in one day...that's all we really want isn't it?
Kadison~23 months
inspired by Jen Lemen:
Obsessions of a working mom living in Alameda, California....
~bags - yes, bags, bags and more bags... I buy one, I use it for months and then I switch again and yes, I come back to that bag, but then I switch again. I obsess about buying bags - all different colors, fabrics, sizes, shapes, whatever strikes me. I love bags because I don't have to try them on to see if they fit!
~shoes, I have a bit of an obsession with shoes but it's tapered off a bit since having Kadison and my shopping days are few and far between but if you look in my closet you will see that there are shoes, shoes and more shoes
~bowls - yes, all different sizes and colors. I looooovvvveee bowls. I wish I could buy every one I see that speaks to me but I don't because I shouldn't spend the money on bowls and I don't want to have to explain myself...there really isn't an explanation besides I just love them. Especially small oh so cute ones!
~blogs - yes, I obsess over you a few out there...
~paper - I have about 4-5 tubs of "art supplies" that hold all different colors and kinds of paper, I just can't help it. I love the feel of paper and all that it possesses....now it's just time to use it instead of housing it for that special thing
~the perfect t-shirt, the perfect black pants...I obsess but I still haven't really ever found the perfect black pants that fit "just right" even though I keep looking and buying something that's close but never just right. I have loads of t-shirts but nothing has ever really been "it". So I obsess over just finding those perfect mates.
~photos of people at the beach...if you are ever with me at the beach you will know that I have to photograph you in every way while we're there and I will ask you to pose and run and totally get into the "photoshoot". Don't know why but the beach brings that out in me..
~future - yes, I obsess way too much about the future and should just focus on the present but I have yet to find a way to really do that....besides reminding myself on a daily basis to sit, breathe and enjoy.
~parenting ~ being a good mom, a good parent...i read all kinds of books, magazines and listen to other moms...the obsession of a mom just trying to survive!
~I'm sure there are many many more things that I obsess over but ...that's it for now....
i just finished the "The Alchemist ~ a beautiful book. Pick it up if you haven't already...
I picked up the phone, heard her voice and I almost broke right there.
I held it together though, asked quickly how she was, but she was on to me
She asked how I was and I of course said just fine, had a quick sigh and a bit of a laugh.
She spoke again, I almost broke again, but again I held it together.
"take a deep breathe with me right now, I feel you need this"
so I did
I took the breathe in and held it for a little longer than necessary and let it out, and I couldn't keep everything in any longer.
I broke.
Not full blown but I felt it bubbing over and I didn't think I could hold it in any longer, I was tired and didn't have the energy.
"I feel there is a sadness there"
A bit shocked I quietly said yes.
"Try to just be with it for 5 min without asking the questions why"
ok
"Call me later if you need to, but take the 5 min, please."
I hung up the phone, grabbed my sunglasses and my office keys and walked right out of the building, past the gate and up the street before even realizing I was still holding my breath. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. You can let it out now, I kept chanting to myself.....and with that I broke...and spilled...and walked into the hot sun.
**
knowing this is ironic from my last post
**
I knew I wanted to come here to write but again, the words weren't really flowing. I clicked here and the word "resisting" came to head... well then...I guess I'll be writing about that.
What am I resisting lately? Speaking the truth about so many things maybe?
The "Secret" has been on top of mind and dreams and thoughts so much lately ...ever since reading about it on a few blogs, hearing about it through friends, seeing it on Oprah and then finally, finally seeing the actual dvd. It's a bit scary to hear all that is possible and that we are actually in control of it all.
No more blaming others, no more playing the victim, no more ...no more...
It felt good to say I forgive you to people I held so much anger and hurt towards and for what? nothing but pain within me. It's a bit odd to say I forgive you out loud to actually yourself and have it mean something. Do you know what I mean? I didn't need to say it to the actual person I just needed to say it, feel it for myself. And it felt good and it felt needed to let it all go...
Now ... the part where I look toward the future and STOP living in the past. Stop blaming everything else around me for where I'm at. I'm actually in a very good place. I think I've been in this place of "I can't be happy" for such a long time I feel guilty for actually being happy, for succeeding, for getting what I want out of life. I feel guilt for the many people who don't have this. Why can't I be happy with what I have and what I've really worked for?
Well I stop it right now! I stop feeling the guilt and I am here to celebrate my life for all that it is!! DAMN IT!!
There is so much to be grateful for and so much to be "HAPPY" about. I'm going to try this on for awhile and see how it all goes...the down, depressed, whoa is me is taking a long sabbatical .....see ya!
YOU READING THIS, BE READY
Starting here, what do you want to remember?
How sunlight creeps along a shining floor?
what scent of old wood hovers, what softened
sound from outside fills the air?
Will you ever bring a better gift for the world
than the breathing respect that you carry
wherever you go right now? Are you waiting
for time to show you some better thoughts?
When you turn around, starting here, lift this
new glimpse that you found; carry into evening
all that you want from this day. This interval you spent
reading or hearing this, keep it for life--
What can anyone give you greater than now,
starting here, right in this room, when you turn around?
~William Stafford {via Laurie}