"I have some restless searcher in me. Why is there not a discovery in life? Something one can lay hands on and say 'This is it!'...I'm looking: but that's not it - that's not it. What is it? And shall I die before I find it?.... I have a great and astonishing sense of something there, which is 'it.' It is not exactly beauty that I mean. It is that the thing is in itself enough: satisfactory; achieved. A sense of my own strangness, walking on the earch is there too: of the infinite oddity of the human position....."
- Virginia Woolf: A Writer's Diary
Sometimes you just have to come home and scream and cry into your pillow to be able to get through another day
Sometimes you just have to laugh hysterically in your car alone to be able to let the day you just had go
Sometimes you have to sing at the top of your lungs to feel somewhat alive and human
Sometimes you have to call a friend and really tell the truth about things to feel like things will get better
Sometimes you have sit at the top of the stairs, take a deep breath, look up at the stars, feel the wind on your face and say a small prayer realizing that it is truly a gift that you are here
quiet kadison~ 22months
i sit here and it's quiet
i sit here and the sun pours in through the windows
i sit here and i see the blue sky welcoming the bright morning
i sit here knowing that the quiet won't last long
i sit here tumbling through the dreams i had last night
i sit here already anticipating the "dance party USA"that will be in my living room tonight
i sit here knowing that joy will come out of all of this
I've started and stopped, started and stopped on writing an entry this past week ~ nothing was flowing.
I could of wrote about my sweet little girl turning 22 months old, on the brink of being 2! How she's such a funny, sweet pea but then can turn around and be a little monster and has us asking "where the heck is our daughter?" i guess this is what they call the terrible two's and maybe some might say "payback!" but overall she's the joy in my life and i wouldn't trade being her mom for the world.
i could of wrote about so many countless other goings ons in my life but nothing seemed quite right... and I guess still don't.
i could of wrote how i got so sick I felt like i was going to die and then how the rest of the family got so sick i truly wanted to die and how we've all just got better in the last week and how that was way to long
i could of wrote about how i miss feeling joyful and happy and all over good but how i'm trying to move forward and be positive and grateful for all that i have
i could of wrote of how i feel so busy and just can not cross anything off the lists that i feel like i'm drowning some days
i could of wrote of how being a working mom SUCKS sometime so bad that I just want to curl up in bed with my sweet girl and read her books all day long so she calls out to me in the middle of the night instead of her dad. how i know that is so selfish and wrong but how that's how i feel.
but i didn't - i felt it better off to just be quiet and be with my own thougths until i burst ...so here i am bursting a bit....but feeling better...
the weather has been beautiful and we've been outside enjoying it and it totally has me jones-ing for summer and the much needed beach - time!
I'm really enjoying 3191 ~ such a cool idea and i just love the way the photos speak.
blurry elevator self
Boho tagged me today so I guess that means I am coming out of hiding...
I haven't really been hiding just not having anything really to say...
6 wierd things about myself:
1. I have to make the bed and have the dishes done to really feel like my world is straight. My gramma said to me once "if your bed is made and the dishes are done than your house is in order" and I've taken that to the bank. The rest of the house can be in total disaray but if those 2 things are done I feel ok.
2. I think about death often; how, when, where and how I'll react to it. My therapist years ago told me that I fear not being prepared....so if I think about it now it will prepare me for later. Which I realize isn't really true but still doesn't stop the fact that death is just part of my daily thoughts.
3. I don't like condiments and neither does my husband along with not really being a big fan of beans. We live in a bean free, condiment world. I feel bad for Kadison.
4. I don't like calling people on the phone unless I know they are expecting my call; I fear that I'm bothering them....I try to overcome it but it's hard.
5. When walking at night I'd rather walk in the street than on the sidewalk where someone could easily jump out of the bushes.
6. When driving in to work while listening to the radio I find myself talking back to the DJ's like they're right there with me...
Now, here I thought I wouldn't be able to come up with 6 weird things about myself ..ha!
ps. I love typing "......." with everything. I'm much more conversational than storybook I guess.
mountains between san francisco ~ minnesota
Mindful ~
every day
i see or i have
something
that more or less
kills me
with delight,
that leaves me
like a needle
in the haystack
of light.
it is what i was born for -
to look, to listen,
to lose myself
inside this soft world -
to instruct myself
over and over
in joy,
and acclamation.
nor am i talking
about the exceptional,
the fearful, the dreadful,
the very extravagant -
but of the ordinary,
the common, the very drab,
the daily presentations.
oh, good scholar,
i say to myself,
how can you help
but great wise
with such teachings
as these -
the untrimmable light
of the world,
the ocean's shine,
the prayers that are made
out of grass?
~Mary Oliver