WOW - the last day of NaBloPoMo ~ it's been a great month and I appreciate all of you that have kept with me.
December is going to be crazy month as we all know ~ my parents are in town this weekend, friends the following weekend and then the inlaws and then of course the holidays.
I'm looking forward to creating ease and joy through out the month and really bringing in the New Year full of joyfull intentions!
Borrowing an idea to write about from Ali ~ the "Me: Girl takes pic of herself every day for three years" Amazing how you can chronicle yourself or someone else and how it becomes such a story without words. I love the idea of doing this with Kadison ~ the same place photo every day. I did this when she was really young ~ her in her crib or bassinet sleeping. I did it for a few weeks but puttered out. I love the idea and the idea of how the story will unfold over time.
It's got me really thinking....
The idea of the keepsake or the memory or again, taking note of the changes that occur. I'm trying to come up with cool ideas on how to document her life that she and I will appreciate later. So many ideas and ways to do it but I have to find something that I feel is going to click with me.
I once saw a story of a woman who photographed her daughter on each of her birthdays in her mothers vintage swimsuit from age 1 - 18. How in the beginning it was so big on her and then she eventually grew into it. The documentation of it was so cool, unique and something they cherished. I love the unique ideas people come up with.
The conversation came up at work the other day about how no one writes letters anymore since email came into play and how people won't be able to go into their attics or trunks later on and find old love letters etc...and how that made me so sad. The idea of photo albums not being like they used to be since the whole digital cameras came into play and how everything is on the computer. Are my grandchildren going to be looking at my hard - drive 40 years from now? I doubt it.... Nothing feels special anymore....
How can we keep these special moments alive and held close? Scrapbooking? yes, but if you don't have the time and energy for such extensive work what else can we do?
Ramblings ... I know...but my mind is racing with so many thoughts tonight...
watching Oprah last night I cried and cried...i often cry at Oprah shows and maybe that's part of why i watch them. It was the "pay it forward" program where she gave her audience all $1000 to give away to a stranger and record the experience. They aired some of those experiences and I'm telling you that there are some damn amazing people out there. Sometimes it really seems like the world is going to fall apart at any moment because of all the bad shit but then these things happen and even smaller things happen that give you some kind of hope.
the act of giving gives you so much back; i'm really trying to brainstorm what i want to do this holiday season along with what i want to do in the new year to really bring more "giving" into my life. we need it and i sure need it.
the random acts of kindness every day can you bring you so much joy and bring joy to others around you ~ what have you done or experienced today?
I can't help promoting friends ~ a few more new things to check out!
My new friend Ann who is a fabulous designer and artist is selling these wonderful t-shirts ~ check them out and buy! It is the season of giving and all ~ for ourselves and others!! I'll be sporting all of them at some point I'm sure.
Another fabulous new friend just started up her Gyspy Girl's Guide Blog ~ she's traveled the world and will be telling all about it. I'm all excited to see where she goes next whether it's to somewhere exotic or a cool new place in the bay area!
feeling under the weather and not able to get warm...i hate that feeling!
but not wanting to fail this month long challenge of posting every day...there are only a few more left. i have to tell you i'm shocked and proud of myself for writing every day whether they were my words or not. it takes a certain something to get me to the computer every night; but hey it was worth it and i did really enjoy it.
so tonight i'm passing along the "Cool Mom Picks" for the holidays (via mother may i)
enjoy ~ there are some cute ideas...
i ventured out into the shopping world this weekend even though i didn't feel well and didn't want to fight the crowds and craziness. despite all that i still went ~ bought some stuff, returned some stuff already and might go out again tomorrow. crazy?! i know...but you see my weekends until the holidays are booked with family and friends visiting! i'm excited for them to visit that's why i'm trying to get everything done this weekend...it won't get all done but as much as i can will!
crazy?!! i know...
i'm so tired, a bit cranky, a bit relieved, a bit overwhelmed but also a bit inspired since i had a quick hot chocolate with some new friends this evening that got me really excited about the new year and all that it holds for me!
a very mix-matched weekend but it's all worth it.
"When I'm in a car and someone lets me in their lane and I not only mouth Thank you to the other driver, but I actually say it out lourd - as if they could hear me - I am taken aback, it sounded goofy, hearing my voice alone in the car."
~ Amy Krouse Rosenthal, Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life
I too do this...
thankful to ...
my husband tim who is always there for me and lets me be who i actually am
to my sweet pea of a daughter who makes me laugh from the belly
to my cupcakes who will always be my sweet-ests!
to missy who knows me from the good ol days
to jerilyn who always makes me feel like i'm not alone
to my bestest friends who I wouldn't be me without - cynthia and becky and julie and sonja
to my sisters who will always claim me no matter i what i do in public
to my mom and dad who will always love me
to my new mom friend sabrina ~ the common ground we found instantly
to my writing women who speak their truths and let me speak mine
to the crazies at 10 arkansas who no matter what still make me laugh
to the bloggie gals who create a world for me larger than my own..
myself for not quitting and getting to "right here"...exactly where i'm supposed to be
***Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!***
"The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware." ~ Henry Miller
To be naturally joyous ~ what a gift to ourselves. Keri Smith talks about this in her book Living Out Loud how as children we had this natural ability. If we could only hold onto it. Let's all try to think back to some childhood memories that inspire us and bring us joy.
Reconnect.
she asked me to define what "i just want to be happy" meant to me ~
it's the feeling and the knowing that I contributed
it's the feeling that I fed my soul
it's laughing and enjoying myself
it's being honest and real
it's being present every day
she asked me what's next for you?
i see the year of 2007 being a year of transition
i hope to just go with the flow, whatever it brings and whereever it takes me
to keep practicing what i've learned
to be consious of the way i'm living
be present
continue searching and reaching for the depths of my emotions and to live a full and real life with as much joy and fun as i can take
~Thank you Andrea for helping me unravel the knots and letting me spill out the only way I knew how and for always letting me know I wasn't the only one who felt this way. Because of your words and for just being there to listen I am proving to myself that I am worth it all!
we all have dark corners of ourselves that hold things that we don't want to see and we don't want others to see even more. I believe the more we reach into those dark corners and bring the light in, the less we'll fear the dark.
I often think that I revel in the darkness even though I've taught myself to be afraid of it. I actually feel safe in that darkness, it's when the light starts shining is when I retreat to the dark.
Not many people sing the song of happiness ~ why is that?
Why are we so drawn to the dark and sad?
We need to start celebrating the light and all of it's colors of happiness..... it won't be easy but I'm feeling it's going to be worth it, because we're worth it.
Out shopping today for holiday and birthday gifts has truly gotten me in the Holiday ~ Festive mood. I love buying hand - crafted goodies for the ones I love.
I also received my holiday cards in the mail this week and I'm so excited to get started down my list and send these out to the world ~ they are even more adorable in person.
Support your fellow artists/crafters this holiday season!
beautiful, warm, sunny day in the city...
zoo, train ride, watching the penguins splash and swim
diggin and skippin in the sand
surfers riding waves
sand beneath the toes
nothing better.....
I just can't resist sharing the words of Mary Oliver ~ her words deepen my soul every time I hear them - enjoy.
Messenger by Mary Oliver
My work is loving the world.
Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird—
equal seekers of sweetness.
Here the quickening yeast; there the blue plums.
Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.
Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still not half-perfect? Let me
keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work,
which is mostly standing still and learning to be
astonished.
The phoebe, the delphinium.
The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture.
Which is mostly rejoicing, since all the ingredients are here,
which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart
and these body-clothes,
a mouth with which to give shouts of joy
to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam,
telling them all, over and over, how it is
that we live forever.
a few of my favorites out there...
You Grow Girl Calendar
Superhero Joy
Living Artfully ~ the book
Intention necklace ~ Sundance
Prosperity necklace ~ Boho
Celebrations ~ Maya Angelou
Little Miss Sunshine ~ I can't wait to watch this again and again
the list could go on and on.....more to come...
kadison ~ 19 months
kadison & purple ~ 19 months
this little girl of mine ~ i can't help but feature her and speak of her. She lights up my life more than I could of ever dreamed she would. There are days when I feel so much love I don't know what to do with it all, but then I must also tell you that there are days when I still feel like running away ...
The way she's talking so much more "Bleth you Mama", "Morninggg Daddy!", "Hi People!"...the list goes on. She's constantly saying new words, figuring out new things and repeating everything we say.
She's happiest when she has her "purple buddy" blanket, when she can walk outside and play on the merry go round.
When she woke from her nap today her first words when I walked into her room were "Awake Mama, Awake." while she sat scrunched in the corner with her feet hanging out the slats of her crib. I can never stay in a crabby mood for long after walking through that door and hearing her yell "Mommy!" all the way down the hall ...
The way she wraps her arms around my neck and repeats "hug, hug, hug" and the way she pushes Tim and I's heads together so we can kiss each other and then her at the same time. The way she'll repeat "more! ..more!.. more!"
The way she snuggled up with me on the couch tonight and actually stayed there for more than 15 minutes while I watched Gilmore Girls.
I obviously can't say enough about this little human bean and how much she teaches me about life; so much more than I could ever teach her.... like Having fun, showing up, being present and really sinking into all the emotions that overcome me....
blurry san francisco skyline ~
Out for dinner in the city tonight with Tim and Kadison I sat there in the whirl of caos and realized how much I love the city, the chaos, the hustle and bustle, the whole vibe.
Afterward Kadison and I stood outside waving to everyone getting off the N-Judah and all I wanted to do was jump on and have it take us down to the beach so we could watch the sunset! We were waiting for Tim while he had an eye exam.....
Driving home - seeing the city lights, the clear sky, the holiday lights up already in the store windows... I just love the urban life....
But driving over the bridge to our little quiet island town I was also grateful to come home to a place that is larger than a closet, has parking and you don't hear the noise of sirens all night.
So I guess I will stay where I'm at and be grateful that I only live over the bridge from somewhere I really do love.
a quote from my dear friend Becky in an email today "I'm trying to "relax into my beingness" ~ i love that and all that it stands for...
i constantly find myself reminding myself to relax, find your center and be present right now. i put too much pressure on myself to do all these things but if i don't remind myself to relax i won't. it's that easy.
practice i say..
practice..
i'm here to remind you and myself to try to "relax into your beingness" right at this moment.
what does that bring you?
for me:
hearing the rain outside my window
the drips ..drips...drips
noticing the ache in my back and neck
the release of myself into my chair
the smile on my face from the photo i see of Kadison
I'm usually very open to change; bring it on I usually say!
Mixing it up is good for us and I enjoy the "mix up" that change usually brings.
But I have to say I don't enjoy the anticipation of change or the unknown. What I'm specifically talking about is the unknown of our future with Tim finally graduating in a few months.
Yes, the looming graduation date is very exciting but the unknown of where he'll find a job and what he'll be doing is unknown and with that comes a bit of anxiety for me. I'm a planner and to not be able to plan for the next few months makes me uneasy.
There are just so many possibilities of where we could go - like staying here and keeping everything the same, or moving to LA or even Chicago or who knows where? Keeping my job, leaving my job? There are many decisions up in the air and they have to fall sometime... I'd rather have them sooner than later.
But this also really teaches me to trust that the Universe will bring us what we want and where we want to go. So it's faith and trust that I need to learn or practice here...
Faith and Trust.
Faith and Trust.
Ok...I'll keep repeating those 2 words and see how that works....
Not that I just realized this today but it made me think about it more...
women have to do so much to keep themselves up - the time, money, energy and overall brainspace of thinking about, remembering about all the stuff we need to do:
this weekend includes:
facial
eyebrow wax
lip wax
hair color/highlight and cut
this weekend is shaping up to cost a hell of alot of money and time! It doesn't include mani/pedi, or shopping for clothes or shoes, and I know I'm forgetting the many other things I'm sure I do just to keep myself looking ok and feeling ok.
Not like me realizing this or thinking about it more is going to change anything but hey...it's Saturday night and I'm home trying to think of something to say and this is what popped into the mind.....now it's time to go enjoy a glass a wine.
I resort back to sharing someone else's words:
I believe
In myself
In light rain
Sudden storms
The moon
Polenta and sausage
Good sex
Red sunsets
A perfect martini
The stars
True love
Monet’s garden
Cracked crab
Long baths
Soft jazz
A walk on the beach
and root beer floats
I believe
In quiet mornings
The ocean
Slow dancing
The back of a man’s neck
Fred Astair tapping across the screen
The magic of Sacramento delta
Stone angles in Italian cemeteries
Growing your own tomatoes
Paul newman’s eyes
That writing poetry is telling the truth
Doing crafts is in my blood
Ironing is therapy
Kissing is art
And dusting is a waste of time.
— geri digiorno
****
I believe that we are all one
I believe that we need connections, support and love from ourselves and others
I believe that little girl hugs can save me
I believe that a call from a dear friend can put a smile on myself for days
I believe that a simple card in the mail can make my world
I believe that if I do yoga it makes me feel good inside and out
I believe in kissing
hugging
making love
having sex
laying on the couch snuggled under a blanket trying hard not to fall asleep but do ~ and that's ok
I believe in the power of words
I believe in me and you
-me
the ordinary life:
getting out of bed
going to the bathroom
taking a shower
brushing your teeth
something with the hair, the face
eating
walking
talking
clothes
driving ~ getting from here to there
communicating the best we can
being kind
loving
doing our best
trying....trying...trying...
not to blend in
not to be ordinary
looking...
searching..
for the moments when it's not
"Sprinkle joy"
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
**a must see YouTube**
Driving over the foggy Bay Bridge this morning I heard this mom on the radio talking about her "Mr. Fab" son who is becoming a very popular and successful hip hop artist and what I heard in her voice brought me to tears. The love and support she had given her son and still gives to her son was beautiful to hear. As a single mom she was determined to give her son a good life. Now here he is, a successful man who gives back to his community. I don't know if me crying about this in the car had to do with lack of sleep, the waking up out of a bad dream or just the plain simplicity of love that she spoke of, but it touched me and for that I am grateful.
andrea speaks of connections; her story also touched me....
Everything Happens Twice
That bird sitting dazed on the railing
has flown into your window before.
The dead-end street you've turned onto—
you did that just last month.
The boss calling you into his office
has nothing new to say.
There are only so many scripts.
Everything happens twice.
The friend who borrows your raincoat
will borrow your raincoat tomorrow.
The parent who never loved you enough
is doing it from the grave.
You are writing the very same poem
over & over again.
They are playing that old, old song
but it's never the very last dance.
So smile at the guy who drinks too much-
the one with forget-me-not eyes.
Sleep with the one who calls you
by another woman's name.
~by Eve Robillard
Besides writing on my blog every day this month I've also started keeping a journal of the joys and fun I have each day along with what I'm grateful/thankful for. I must say I'm doing pretty well.
One of the things I love doing and that brings me joy is walking; yes, a very simple thing for me to do but I really enjoy it. So today after Kadison went down for a nap I thought of all the things I had on my "to do" list that I should be doing but instead I decided to go for a walk. For one, it's too beautiful outside to be inside and hey, I just didn't want to wash my car either! So insted I laced up my shoes and hit the pavement.
I could of strapped on my ipod but I didn't, I wanted to experience the walk in peace. All the leaves are turning and falling. So many people out riding bikes, walking, doing "yard work" or at the parks having fun. I wanted to time myself to see how long it would take me to walk out to the beach and it only took me 20 minutes! Now, that's too close not to be going every day!!
While walking I realized how over the years I've enjoyed walking... remembering back to when we would head up to Northern Wisconsin to visit the Grandparents and walking from one to another; gravel roads, creeks, cows in the pasture and stories being told of each house we passed.
The walks taken with my best friend Lorna in junior high, where every Saturday we would walk downtown over the bridge to Riverside park and over the bridge again and up and around the town. Just for the sake of walking and talking...and for the occassional honk we'd get.
The walks we would take in the middle of the night after sneaking out of the house, just wandering the streets for no other reason than to hang with friends.
The walks in college - with friends down to the river or to bars:) Talking...and walking...there is nothing better.
The walks with my mom and her sisters...after gathering and eating there was always one of them who would say "Who's up for a walk?!" and they'd all pile out the door and up the road...us young ones following just to hear the stories they would tell.
The walks at night in San Francisco when you could explore all the secret stairs, streets and parks. San Francisco after dark is one of the most magical places I've ever experienced.
The walks after Kadison was born; exploring the new little town we'd moved to -bundling her up in her stroller and taking to the sidewalks and out the beach. Those early months of her and I walking - me chatting it up and her silently listening or should I saw snoozing are some of the most cherished times I've had with her.
The promise to myself is to take more walks - alone, with friends, with family. Get out there and enjoy what I enjoy. Nothing better than a quiet walk enjoying the sounds of nature to clear the mind or in my case come up with a story.
The first time her laughter unfurled its wings in the wind, we knew that the world would never be the same ~ Brian Andreas, StoryPeople
grampa's tractor~ingram,wi
I received a surprise in the mail today from my dear friend Missy ~ I opened it to find tootsie rolls (my favorite) and Laffy Taffy (another favorite) but best of all a very very cute t-shirt that reads :
"good, solid, corn-fed, fun-loving, up-for-anything, all american...Midwestern girl"
now my first reaction was total laughter because I've always felt you can take the girl out of the midwest but you can never take the midwest out of the girl!
Missy knows me so well since she wrote, that when she saw it she totally thought "Stef!" which I find totally hilarious but also pretty true.
It's no secret that I struggle with the fact that all my family and most of the people I love live back in the midwest and my little family is here in California.
We love it here in the Bay Area and we've had some amazing opportunties since moving out here 7 years ago, but there are still times when I wish I could just pop over to my sisters house, play with my nephews, have dinner with my parents, hang with old friends....the list goes on.
But even though we live so far away from loved ones I am grateful for the fact that I've kept those friendships going and going strong.
Thank you Missy ~ you put a smile on my face after a long day and I will wear it with pride!
the halo'd moon leads me home
the broken clouds fill the sky like a quilt that gramma used to make
the wet pavement is filled with the yellow and brown leaves fallen from the tree
i see a curled up lone worm
my shoes make the thump ~ thump ~ thump noise on the sidewalk
i notice myself humming to the beat
my keys jingle in my rain coat
my thoughts wander back to the evening spent around the table
stories of trust, the love of paper, the heaviness of death, the fact that she buys hard cover poetry books and the wonder of ones policy on internet porn
i look up often to see the bright moon and know it will lead me home safely
falling off the edge of the world ~ tea cup
a start to a fresh new day and month; with that, I've taken on the challenge of NaBloPoMo ~ it will really push me to post every day which I think I'm up for.
I feel I've taken a new turn in this crazy life of mine; over these last few weeks I've been challenging myself to find the joy and fun and it's working! I put you to the challenge of finding the joy and fun in your life....
Here's to not trying to be perfect all the time....