I've been taking myself WAY to seriously lately and now it's time to kick "SERIOUS" to the curb!
I read on Rachael's site today about taking a self portrait of yourself that you felt good about, that you wouldn't pick apart and while I wanted to do that, I couldn't find "good" light and ended up really making fun of myself and this is what came out of it....
As you can see I wasn't taking it seriously..
I could pick these photos apart and really tell you all of my flaws, but you can see them and I can too and at the moment I really don't care...
This is me, pigtails and all...this is me ....
grateful ...
~ that it's finally friday and that the week went by surprisingly fast
~ for the small miracle that showed up Thursday morning after I asked for it
~ to all the comments about it being ok to eat a couple of candy bars!
~ to have finally gotten home early 1 night this week
~ for pig tails and striped socks - making me smile
~ for the words "being awake enough to pay attention" - made me wake up
~ to see a smile on this girls face
~ hearing an upbeat voice on the other end of the phone when talking to my younger sis
~ for a long, hot bath
~ to have been able to write here more often
~ to be getting close to the point of saying "Fuck It" and stepping over all those damn fears I have!
...is what I have to keep telling myself....
i have a headache
i need to go to bed
i want to go to bed
waiting for tim to get back from the grocery store so i can have a glass of oj before bed
why?
who knows really
i'm so tired - work is really draining me of me lately and i can't seem to get ahead of it
drained is all i feel
i want to focus on me
i want to
but the time just passes me by
the weekends are so precious but again, too short
i'm just not cut out for this kind of life
this 7am - 7pm day of leaving my house to sit in an office and deal with all of "that"
to top it all off ....
i ate a whole candy bar today...
...to be completely honest i actually ate 2 candy bars!!!
...oh well...life will go on
grateful for ..
~not putting pressure on myself to write something here everyday
~tivo - being home sick and being able to watch all my tv shows at once
~hearing from a friend that i'm not alone
~hearing from becky that scott made it through surgery ok...now we pray for a good recovery
Because nothing is perfect I had a fabulous IM-PERFECT weekend and I'm home today which means it's still going on!
Brunch with new friends and watching kids play
Yummy pizza at our favorite local restaurant
Eyebrow and lip wax
CHAI
Purging my closet ~ clearing the clutter ~ feels so good
Sunday morning in bed enjoying snuggle time
A day out on my own ~ shopping, enjoying a friend perform in a hilarious play, a beautiful day in the city, walking downtown people watching, drinks with friends and to top off the night..........................................
The Weepies @ Cafe du Nord ~ finally meeting Jen and feeling like we've known each other for years and wishing Danielle was there to drink with!
I really needed the day to myself and it felt good to come home feeling like it was just what I needed!
Today is home spending my day with Kadison and of course loving the quiet nap moments!
we're off to a good week....
***the imperfect part was all the blisters i got on my feet from my new gold flats***
with all the crap i've been putting myself through and the funk that I'm in I need to really take notice of the good in my life:
the dear sweet, sweet souls who visit this page and who leave me such loving words
tim who really does give me space and also gives me hugs when he knows i need them
kadison who's smile lights up my whole life
the puffy pink and white clouds that led me to work this morning
the peeking sky i get to see every time i walk out of my office
chai tea!
mary oliver
the journal i recently bought
danny gregory's new book - the creative license!
Wanting to go but wanting to stay
Hearing words from dear friends who give me so much more than just words
Out tonight listening to Mary Oliver over the radio and loving that kind of connection
Sipping wine, talking w/dear friends and connecting
I miss that
The pressure to want and want and want
The pressure to just be
Here
Right now
In this
I feel jealous of others
I feel alone in it all
I want to be with them
All of them
In the magical way they talk about themselves
I want that
I feel alone in wanting that
I feel the pressure to not say that I feel the jealousy, the envy
But I do
I don't know where to go
I don't know what to do
What's the one thing I would change if I could?
I would go part time and stay home with Kadison
I would quit all together and stay home with Kadison
I would start making art, start creating
Create something, anything
Start the journey that I've been on for so long
Circling the drain, circling the fish bowl
The wine tasted to good tonight....
You are 9 months today my Sweet Cheeks ~
This past month has been a big one for you - you are crawling more than ever, you're pulling yourself up on everything and anything you can get your hands on. You're eating bigger kids food and you're babbling words like "Da da", "Ma Ma" and every once in awhile we think you repeat something we just said. It's shocking and hilarious.
We're into the New Year and we only have a few more months to go before you are the BIG ONE YEAR ~ I'm sad and excited at the same time. I miss the days of you cuddling into my arms any ol time and I look forward to the walking and talking that we'll do soon enough.
You love the attention of anyone and everyone and I hope that openness continues throughout your life ~ it's a great trait to have. To be curious about everyone and to want to connect with the people you see every day.
I love you so much sweets!
Mama
That's how I've felt over the past few weeks, months even..
Swimming in circles...Spinning my wheels...
I'm finally feeling like I'm sinking...no floating, no staying above the water...
I put pressure on myself in all areas of my life - marriage, mothering, work, this blog, everything!
I want to be the sassy one, I want to be honest one, I want to be the one with the cool photo and the greatest thing said one...I just want things to be easier..I want to figure it all out and be "that" one...
But it's not happening
I want to try to keep this blog up but it's just not feeling like I can, I want to figure out why I started this in the first place or think about what I want to say now
When things get a little easier I'll be back.....
SASS!
Yes, I am full of sass tonight! My friend Danielle reminds me that I need to be truer to myself and to everyone around me. That was one of my resolutions or commitments to myself in the coming years, not just this one. I want to be open, I want to be honest and I sure love being sassy! I'm sure there are a few people out there that can describe me as that!
I'm really ready to shake things up a bit but I'm just not sure how ... I'm hyped up and ready for some changes and some excitment and some new things to be happening. Don't get me wrong there are enough things going on in my life on a daily basis that are changing (hello, I have a 9month old baby!) but I mean within myself, my world. I want some changes to occur and I want some excitement to bubble up out of me and really present itself.
Not sure what it's going to be but I'm looking for it and I'm ready!
another favorite from 2005
Happy New Year everyone!!!!
Inspired by Andrea and Swirly Girl and of course by it being the New Year I am really thinking of what my intentions and goals are for 2006! I want to look back on 2005 and really see what it was all about ~ was it about giving birth to Kadison and giving birth to a whole new me? Was it about trying to find the balance?
Onto 2006....I want to come undone and then put myself back together the way I really want to see myself. The way I've always wanted to live and felt I couldn't for some reason. What does that all look like?
2006 is all about making priorities - the right ones. Finding out who and what is really important to me.
No more messing around.
I like Andrea's thoughts ~ "The Year of YES!" - it's really made me think and I love it! The year of saying YES - why the hell not ???
I'm giving myself the room for changing my mind, finding the different paths and seeing where this year leads me and my family. Nothing is too outrageous and nothing is too far out of reach....looking forward to this new year and hope you are too!
Love and Peace to you all...