looking at the calendar and realizing November is going, going, gone
that means the year is too...
time is going by fast and I'm trying to keep up...
not working very well..
back home from travels with many lists in my head..
trying to learn to relax but it's a never ending battle
along with the never ending lists..
i can never win
i feel torn all the time between my old life and my new life
before kadison, after kadison
it's not a back and forth thing like i can go back and live again or live like that now...it's just trying to figure out what is really important to me NOW
who's important
what's important
how I spend my time and with whom...
still trying to figure it out...little by little...
already thinking about the new year...
let's just enjoy what we have of this one..
Giving Thanks...
My year of 2005 has brought me such joy
First and foremost my daughter who brings me such love and happiness
My loving, wonderful, beautiful, funnier than hell husband
My family and friends who back me up whenever I need them and even when I don't
My work ~ I may not always be happy with it, I'm thankful for the people and place I go to every week
My life ~ the alternative isn't something I want
The long road I've been on to get here; looking back I realize I have overcome many obstacles and I am who I am today because of them
For the first time in my life I'm thankful for all the roads I've gone down..
I'm bouncing off the walls tonight...so much to do but I'm not doing any of it..
I think I've realized I'm home ALONE and I don't have to take care of anything or anyone!
It feels like I drank 5 Chai's and I'm running around like the energizer bunny!
I'm cracking myself up!
I worked late, I drove home while talking with friends, got home called my dear friend Jerilyn who's coming out here for Christmas and we talked all about our plans and getting so excited; now I just want it to be here now! It's right around the corner as you can tell when you step into any retail store ~ the music playing, the decorations up...it's crazy but also fun ...it reminds me of being a kid all over again, and the anticipation and excitment of it all.
Are you reading this as fast as I'm thinking and typing? I sure hope not.
I still have to pack to leave tomorrow, I have to clean up my messy place that I've been putting off since I'm home alone, and I need to do some stuff for work too....
ok...reality and time are setting in...
Looking forward to Turkey and the fixin's .....and of course seeing my baby girl!
Happy THANKSgiving everyone!
I am single for a couple of days...
I feel out of sorts but also free
Tim and Kadison flew back to Minneapolis to visit family and I'll be meeting up with them on Thanksgiving day..
Yes, I said my sad goodbyes at the airport today and it sucked! I didn't want them to leave...for her to leave...
I know that Tim will take care of her just fine but I miss her dearly!
But I got to go shopping after work tonight with no thoughts of getting home on time or thinking I had to call home for any reason..
I didn't find anything shopping but I didn't much care; I was just OUT and loving the freedom..
Wandering around downtown SF and feeling a bit out of it but also feeling at home...
I had so many ideas on what to do, where to go but I didn't do any of it..
I just walked...
I'm home and it's so quiet and very weird! I think I've only been home once by myself since we've moved here....
I turned on most of the lights, the TV and I also have some music playing...
I need the company..
I even have Monday night football on (he who knows me, knows this is strange)
But it's comfort...
I don't have much of a point here but to say that I'm feeling free but also strange....there is a void, a big one....
sitting at work not wanting to actually work..
it's beautiful outside and all i want to do is go run on the beach like i'm 5 years old again
not that i was running on the beach at 5 in Wisconsin ...but still...i'd love to be goofing off ..doing my "photoshoots" on the beach with friends and family..
i'm grateful that my headache that i woke up with is gone, gone, gone...at least for now
i'm grateful to anne for bringing in morning buns from tartine! yummmm
i'm grateful that it's FRIDAY!!!
i'm grateful for the sun shining outside
i'm grateful to you for reading this...
happy weekend everyone!
Word of the day: SILLY: Lacking seriousness or responsibleness
they quit you
you weren't enough for them
you weren't enough for yourself
you're not enough to look pretty for
to lose those pounds for
to dance for
to figure out your obsession about death for
to dig deep into your soul and cry for
to cry like you know you want to, need to
you quit yourself
you didn't take the high road
you didn't overcome the fucked up obstacles
you quit yourself
relationships
school
life
you quit yourself
you guided through until that someone came into your life
showed up
showed up for you
it's been a battle to keep the stamina
now
you see
you are enough for you
you can
you want
you want
you want
cry, weep, curl up into a ball and feel for God's sake
for your sake
be alive
choose to be alive
feel
the obsession with death
the death you feel inside is really you
it's always been you
little by little you piece it all together
feel alive
find out what gets you there
searching for the truth
my truth
trying to dig deep and find the nectar of my essence
trying to figure myself out
finding the truth that i know is buried deep
it's a scavenger hunt that is intriguing, frustrating, silly and all worth it
grateful for the beautiful weekend we had here
grateful to Tara for watching Kadison on Friday night so Tim and I could have date night- dinner, a beautiful night walk and ice cream ...what could be better?
grateful to get out of the house today and go for a walk with Kadison
grateful for the yummy pomegrananate
grateful for the yummy roasted chicken and tator tots! it's been awhile:)
grateful for friends who keep in touch
grateful for the new curtains we have in our living room
grateful to have had the time to decorate Kadison's room some more...
grateful for the truth that is told in my Thursday night writing group
grateful to have not really thought about work all weekend!
looking forward to drinks and chit chat with dear friends this week
Dear Kadison ~
You turn 7 months today and I can't say enough how much this surprises me every day; that you're growing up and that you change every day!
I think it's just recently hit me that you're going to grow up to be a beautiful young woman and it's going to happen faster than I can even imagine.
You are so beautiful and so curious and so amazing I thank God every day that you were brought into my life
When I come home at night after either a bad day or even a good day; when I walk in that door and I see you see me and those eyes light up and that smile comes to your face nothing in the world matters to me. You are such a gift to me and how I live my life every day has to do with you.
You've started eating solid foods now and I'm impressed by how much you like everything ~ cereal, bananas, apples and sweet potatoes! You can't get enough. Coming from 2 finicky eaters I couldn't be happier and I just hope it stays that way.
One of the best moments lately is when we're in your room on the floor and you roll back and forth between myself and daddy...back and forth, back and forth....
You love to drop things and look down to see where they went; you love to peer around corners and you are so curious....it's delightful to watch
Your favorite thing to do is look at the painting of the tulips on the wall ~ not sure why you like it so much but the instant you see it your face lights up and we go over to it and point to all the different colors
I'm also happy to say you've been sleeping better and through the night; I'm grateful to you for that. I had a heart to heart with you and you've seemed to listen to my pleas. Thank you dear one, thank you.
I love you so much sweet cheeks ~ Happy Birthday!
love,
muma
******(I'm totally a BAD mother - I thought you were 8 months today....but NOPE you're 7 months....I shouldn't of gotten up this morning:)
I sit here tonight trying to find some words, some feelings....but I can't, I don't..
I love to sit and read what others have to offer for inspiration and I hope to be moved...get a glimpse of what I want to say....
But tonight I don't...
I'm grateful to have the rain beating down my door
I'm grateful to have gone to the beach on Saturday night even though we missed the sunset; I got us all out of the car anyway, bundled up Kadison and walked through the thick sand down to the waters edge to just hear the waves, feel the cold wind on our faces, I had too....I needed it...I needed to be there. Feel it..
Oh, I've missed it...
I need to give myself a break...life is hard...or hard for me anyway...working, being a mom, being a wife, being a friend...trying to be myself...
Balance...it's a balancing act I haven't mastered yet...or gotten even close...
It's 8:30pm and I think I'm ready for sleep....oh, how times have changed!
Every morning
the world is created.
Under the orange sticks of the sun
the heaped ashes of the night
turn into leaves again
and fasten themselves to the high branches ---
and the ponds appear
like black cloth
on which are painted islands
of summer lilies.
If it is your nature to be happy
you will swim away along the soft trails
for hours, your imagination
alighting everywhere.
And if your spirit carries within it
the thorn
that is heavier than lead ---
if it's all you can do
to keep on trudging ---
there is still
somewhere deep within you
a beast shouting that the earth
is exactly what it wanted ---
each pond with its blazing lilies
is a prayer heard and answered
lavishly,
every morning,
whether or not
you have ever dared to be happy,
whether or not
you have ever dared to pray.
-- Mary Oliver