Sitting with a dear friend today
Listening to her story
Missing the stories, the stories of our lives, the realness of all of us
Missing me
But realizing I'm right here
I'm just a bit different
And that's ok
Maybe I can't surrender to this whole new me
But maybe I can have faith in it
Have faith that this life is going to work out
That what I have right now is exactly what it should be
That right now is where it needs to be
Having faith in myself and my journey
My path
It was a cold morning and I felt it ~ inside and out
But coming home it was a bit warmer ~ inside and out
And it felt good
by Mary Oliver:
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.
I've been absent, I haven't known what to say
I feel I'm lost
I feel like I'm losing myself little by little
I try to be present and really think and feel but it's lost
I can't seem to find it
I think that it will come back, that it will all come streaming back into me
And I wait
I do
And I wait
But nothing comes
I feel full but also very very empty
A friend told me that my spirit is feeding my little girl and that I will get it all back
But for now I'm feeding my little girl
I guess that makes it ok
It has to
I'm impatient and really bad about being present and here right now
My mind races onto the many other things and I know she feels it
I feel it - I know what's going on
I try to stop it
I try
But it keeps going - faster and faster like it doesn't want to be caught
Then I breathe
I breathe in and out ...slowly
I catch myself
Now I'm just waiting to find myself
into the swing of things
I'm back to work this week; part time until the beginning of August and then I'll be back full time. A big adjustment but it's actually going ok so far. Work is being very understanding and flexible, which helps.
The whole child care saga I hope is over ~ we've found someone who I think is going to work out and that's such a relief...I just didn't want to face reality and think about it and when I actually had to I couldn't believe how hard it was. I'm glad it's over for now.
I'm still getting my mornings with Kadison and I'm so loving it - I'll miss that the most ~ her sleepy eyes, her smiles and her giggles ...
What I've been doing in between everything else...
~reading something really thought provoking by Anne Lamott
~excited to get this
~planning a trip back home to visit friends and family
~praying for my grampa back in Wisconsin
~getting excited for our date night on Saturday to see this
~listening to FOW on my longer commute now
seeing things differently today ~ thanks to good friends!
looking through a different hole today
looking at things in a different light
feeling lighter
feeling better
feeling
the spirit in me is a bit different, things have changed
i want to flow with it
open my eyes and have my mind see with them
stop thinking like the past
the present is so different
and it's good
it's really good
kadison ~ 3 months
..........................................
I really wish I could just stay in bed all day tomorrow and wake up on Friday with a fresh look on everything
that's not my reality
Her smile will wake me up and I'll smile back and for that moment I will forget everything else....
But the way my mind goes it won't be long before everything else comes splashing back
I think I'm feeling sorry for myself...
Maybe I am..
I don't like it either
today I've been totally inspired by Jen
I am getting out of my head TODAY
I've been consumed with finding care for Kadison now that my leave is over
and TODAY I'm going to stop thinking about it, stop calling people, stop setting up interviews ....just stop
I'm going to get out of the house
Walk my walk to the beach
Feel the breeze on my face
Eat peaches and let the juice drip down my chin
Listen to music, play some music of my own, sing my own song..
I'm going to look into that beautiful face of Kadison's and just smile
Not think about anything else
I owe her that...I owe myself that
I will also begin to plan a trip - my urge to run away is bubbling inside me
But for now
I'm off........
***thanks Jen for reminding me of my own carefree days****
trying to come up with something to say
something to show
something ....sometimes..
just trying to be too good
right now
thinking too much
worrying too much
trying too much
in need of balance
quiet
slow
time
i've missed this
more to come....
This week Photo Friday challenge is "Candid"
My dear friend Tara ~ her laugh is infectious!!
Exactly what I want to do to the world right now!
Stick my tongue out and say BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL !!!!
It feels good!
the time slips by and you just hope that the time is spent in some kind of feeling
those feelings being either happy, sad, frustrated, pissed off, angry, content or anything in between
just something
you just hope you feel something
i'm wanting to say something
profound
just something
i can't seem to find the juice
the thing that will make it all wonderfully beautifully perfect
then i realize
nothing is perfect
even though sometimes it seems like it is
sitting around the backyard under the sun
friends
talking
laughing
drinking
watching your small town parade and the laughter
seeing your husband and your daughter sleeping
talking on the phone with old friends
getting to know new friends
seems perfect
but it isn't
and that's ok
i'm ok with that
there are Bison in Golden Gate Park
there's a story there
they're hidden
we try to find them every time we go to the park
sometimes we find them
sometimes we don't
here they are - fenced in
Bison in the park
in the city
funny