enjoying...

What I've been enjoying lately ...trying to keep my mind on other things..

***This Encyclopedia*** I swear her and I knew one another in a former life

***Napolean Dynamite***Finally seeing what all the fuss and laughter is about

***Plan B***Anne Lamott tells it like no other

***Joshua Kadison***Even after all these years...I still love listening to him

***An old friend***Fnding her again has put a smile on my face

***Birthday***Already making my Birthday list

rusty

Lately feeling a little rusty around the edges...
Trying to figure it all out...
Time passes and things all get a little hazey..
Trying to figure it all out...
Knowing I can't..
I won't...
Letting it all settle in ...

The rain comes and goes..
The clouds part and the sun and blue sky shine...
Water drips off of trees...
Robins sing hurrying around building their nests...
Hummingbirds flutter around...

The punches and kicks more noticable...
The deformed belly all the time...moving...getting too big for it's home...
The time will come...

New life begins...

Spring is here...

Feeling a little rusty around the edges..

truth poetry

I want to run down the street with out feeling out of breath
Or that there is a grapefruit in my crotch
I'm getting tired of this
Sometimes I forget and bump my belly into things
I'm ready to be done
Ready to get my body back and try to make it better than before
I'm ready for my black jeans, cowboy boots and sexy tank tops
I'm ready to dance and jump around to the music
I'm ready for that tall glass of cold, cold beer
I'm ready for it
I'm ready now
I'm ready to go to a concert and listen to loud music and have it drown it all out
I'm ready

I don't think I'm ready for the 2am feedings, the sore crotch and sore nipples
But I'll get used to it

I'm ready for the crazy passionate sex and know it will be awhile before that happens

I'm ready for a hot beach - me sitting in a lounge chair, sipping an umbrella drink and ready trashy magazines

I'm ready

You may think I'm in denial

Maybe

I'm ready for my body to be back, for my life to move on, to find a new home, for him to be done with school, to be raising our child, to be making money doing something I love that's creative

I'm flailing around to quickly
Not enjoying the moments
I'm not patient
I will need to be patient

Stop
Slow down
Breathe

Realize these are the moments to cherish
I was never one to wait - wait - wait - wait

I'm ready for the inner critic to stop telling me what I'm doing is all wrong
Shut the hell up!
I'm doing the best I can
I know it will all work out
I have to believe I'm ready for that

~

I am ready to meet this little being
I am ready for the love that I'll feel
I am ready to know that this will be most important thing I ever do
I am ready to try to be the best woman/mom/wife I can be
I have to believe

Self

I'm 35 weeks along now...
It's all becoming real..
But of course not fully...
I've been looking at myself differently lately..
Me as a mother...a mom...
I will have a child of my own..
It's so bizzare and weird and just plain crazy to think about..

When I think back to what I put my mom through...
It's just crazy to think I'll have my own child to raise and teach and learn from..

I've been a part of some celebrations lately - baby showers etc ...and I'm still amazed by the people I surround myself with. The friends and family who are so excited and so supportive. I don't know what I'd do without any of them.
It's hard to ask for help; or it is for me anyway and I just pray I will ask and knowing they will be there for us when the time comes....

****This little lemon is going to be so loved and I'll be sure that he/she knows each and every one of you who've given your support and love through out this whole experience!!!!

*****
check us out at Andrea's site, she did a photoshoot w/Tim and I and of course the BELLY this past weekend!!

scratch n sniff

I mentioned before I haven't been feeling inspired lately or feel like I have anything to say ...or anything good to say...

But tonight something changed. My friend Mary brought in a big basket of lemons from her backyard tree to our writing group. It was like a breathe of fresh air. Just seeing them, smelling them and knowing that I've called our baby "lemon" since the early weeks when the books referred to the size as the size of a "lemon" - it's just stuck.

So the lemon has inspired me once again.

Gave me a fresh look at things, a fresh look at how I've been swifly moving through the days and not really being in the moment. I will keep the lemons around to remind me of the past 8 months and what is to come and to remind me that being in the moment is so much better...

moving along...

taken by wedding photographer

i haven't been inspired lately
i feel like i'm just barely getting out of bed in the morning and barely getting through the days
it's been so exhausting...

the beautiful weather we're having sure helps but once those grey clouds come in and the fog rolls up it's back to the duldrums!

i did have a a few minutes of smiles and laughter on my way home tonight - they were "kickin it old school" and had "Sir Mix Alot" playing on the local radio and it brought me back to my college days in LaCrosse Wisconsin where my roommates and I would go out and dance all night long! God, we had fun back then....

What I wouldn't give right now to go out dancing to my good ol 80's music!

I think I'll dig up some cd's and "kick it" in my apartment all by myself!

relax

oh, yesterday was so nice...i got a massage and it was so relaxing and so what I needed. I melted into the table and let her do the work.
the best part of it all is that I have 2 more scheduled before the birth, 1 after and that just makes life so much better.

We went to a "Surviving the first 2 weeks with a Baby" class yesterday ~ our last class out of the 3 we've signed up for. It's been interesting and we've learned some so I guess that's all we can ask for. The past 8 months have definitily been a ride we've enjoyed and now we're down to the last month and I'm getting so excited and antsy! I want it to be here but of course not RIGHT now but soon... everyone is telling us to enjoy this alone, quiet time but to tell you the truth we've had this time for 11 years now and now we're ready for the next chapter. It will come soon enough I'm sure but it is rather exciting. To finally meet this little one - to find out if it's a boy or a girl, who this person is going to be, who will it look like, act like? everything...

i've started my nesting stage I guess people would say - i'm cleaning, i'm organizing and trying to figure out where all this STUFF is going to fit in our little apartment but it's been fun and challenging at the same time.

What i feel now is to really connect w/other pregnant women, other moms - to feel like i belong somewhere... i've always been a procrastinator.

**************************

Picks of the week:

Caribou Raisin
Caribou Raisin 2
Maya
Faces
Decisions

cheering up

it's been a long week for me and for some of you as well...
clouds always make me smile, especially when they're all big and puffy
just a little something to brighten up our weekends

March 11th

pops,mom, jarin

Happy Birthday Pops!

wisdom

goofy sisters

After having a shitty last 24 hours my lit'l sis sent me this quote ~

"believe in yourself ~ in the power you have to control your own life day
by day. believe in the strength that you have deep inside, and your
faith will help show you the way.
believe in tomorrow and what it will bring~let your confidence carry you through~for you will succeed if you trust and believe there's no limit to what you can do."
~emily matthews

thank you sis .....

sunny days

the sun popped out of the dreary clouds this weekend and we got a chance to enjoy the beautiful weather today ~

~walking down the embarcadero and people watching
~so many bikers, runners, roller-bladers, walkers - everyone was out
~yummy lunch @ Taylors
~daffodils
~ice cream
~loving where we live
~little boys running after birds
~laughing at ourselves
~naps on the couch w/the windows open
~spring fever!

let me be..

Wanting to be me
just me in this moment
no one else
no one telling me i can't
just me in this moment
don't try to stop me
or tell me i can't
don't try to tell me i shouldn't be this way or that way
please don't
don't try to tell me it's wrong or even right
just let me be me right here right now
don't try to tell me what i am is selfish and wrong
and how could i even think that
because i do and that's the truth
don't make me hide my truth
not now
not ever
i can't
i've tried
believe me
i've tried
but i can't
i won't
don't try to make me someone i'm not with that voice, that face, that look, those thoughts
you can't
not this time

lists

~uncensored~

I come from people who make endless lists ~ lists that sit on the kitchen counter for days, weeks, months. Tiny papers, big papers tacked to the walls..

Lists~

Things to forget, things to remember, things to do...
~write baby lemon's letter
~fill out insurance forms
~get together w/friends
~write to Grandma
~take yoga classes
~book hotel w/pool
~go to the gym
~walk
~take a sick day for myself
~cherish myself
~tell Tim I love him and thank him for everything that he does for me
~call Missy, Amy, Maria
~drink tea
~eat better
~stop weighing myself
~get a massage
~ask for help
~take the trip to Peru
~ask the angels for help
~pray
~buy the book on chakras
~learn to dance
~kiss someone
~hug friends more
~tell the truth
~stop fear
~reach out
~jump
~drive cross country
~yell in the rain
~find a bath tub.....bring bubbles
~go to Glide
~photograph more
~laugh
~cry more
~tell the truth
~forgive
~call my parents
~make out birth plan
~go to classes
~tour the hospital
~call Ken
~fix watches
~moonlight walks
~tickets to Anne Lamott
~learn to play guitar or at least the tamborine
~have sex on the beach
~be spontaneous
~take risks
~buy those boots
~save $
~buy a new car
~find a 2 bedroom apt. for cheap
~stretch
~love more
~say yes
~tubs
~soap
~naked
~touch
~ears
~mouth
~tongue
~sheets...clean smooth sheets
~scream
~teach
~reach out
~names
~names
~names
~boys
~girls
~penis
~vagina
~which one???
~trips to NY, Jamaica, Mexico, Europe, Australia
~explore
~drive
~big closets
~VW van (Sweet Pickle)
~tatoo
~lost love
~lost innocence
~anger
~forgive
~therapy
~truth
~future
Finding out - things to forget, things to remember, things to do, things to be..
The Ups and Downs, the touch, the pain, the lost love, the heartache

Find tub ~ bring bubbles.

Inspired by:

I made a list of things I have
To remember and a list
Of things I want to forget,
But I see they are the same list.
I made a list of items of need:
Love and water on one side,
On the other the small flowers
That bloom without scent,
And it is like the grocery lists
My grandmother used to make:
Milk and butter-dairy
On one side, meat on the other
As if they shouldn’t mingle
Even on the page.
My mother makes lists on tiny
Scraps of paper, leaving them
On chairs or the seats of the bus
The way she drops a handkerchief
For someone to find, a clue
A kind of commerce between her
And the world.
And all the time the tree
Is making its endless list
Of leaves; the sky
Is listing its valuables
In rain. My daughter
Lists the books she means to read,
And their names are like the exotic
Names of birds on my husband’s
Life list. Perhaps God
Listed what to create
In a week: earth and oceans,
The armature of heaven
With a place to fasten
Every star, and finally
Adam who rested a day
Then made a list of his own:
Starling, deer and serpent.

By Linda Pastan

March 1st

The time is flying and I can't seem to keep up...
It's March 1st...yesterday was February and now it's March and in just a few short weeks it will be April and so on...
Funny how that works
Time just passes by no matter what you're doing, not doing or trying to prepare for.
Time is flying and I can't seem to keep up...

Keep up with life, keep up with the needs and wants of others, myself ..
Keep up with thinking about the next steps..

Today is March 1st 2005 - where did the time go?

I want to live in this moment - right now - this moment where I sit at my computer in my pajamas, a bowl of cereal in front of me because I'm too damn tired to actually make any dinner. This moment where I know I have things to check off the list and get done tonight but all I can really think about is curling up with one of the many books I have 1/2 started or the magazines that are sitting un-read or watch the million and 1 episode of Friends. This moment. This moment is real and now.

I will sit and enjoy this moment and not be sad that the time swept by me.