I am off to cold and snowy Wisconsin; back home to see friends and family....
be back soon..
~Catching up with friends - there is nothing like reconnecting
~An Angel reading with Laurel - so much information but so exciting and the feeling of overwhelming love that I felt throughout my body. (THANK YOU JODY)
~Tim and I's wonderful Saturday of Cellia's, test driving cars, mindless errands, laughing so hard I almost pee'd! twice times in one day. Nothing better!
~coming across small things on Jen's website and falling in love!
~reading up on Mati's blog and loving her lists....I too make the same lists :)
~talking with Maxine and feeling so free afterwards
~picking up photos and being so surprised by the outcome
~oh, last but not least...SEEING the baby kick, it's a pretty funny experience when you see your belly MOVE from a kick....loving every minute of it!
***
What are some of your feel good moments lately???
Do you ever feel like you're just not getting got?
Like no one around you is really "getting" you?
You know it's not true, that there are people around you getting you, relating to you, but you still feel all alone.
This blog community makes me feel like I'm not alone - through others and my own I feel like there are people out there who really get me or are at least going through similar situations...
But then on the other hand in my every day life there are people who just don't get me...
I think I've felt this way all my life
Not feeling quite there
Not quite feeling a part of it all
Feeling like an outcast
Feeling like I just don't belong anywhere..
I think I've always been searching for that group, that person, that community to let me in and belong. Belong like no other.
I found that in Tim, he gets me, or at least he really tries to get me.
There are friends out there who probably know me more than I give them credit for..
But there's still this feeling like I just don't belong, like I'm still the outcast, still that girl who sits on the sidelines looking in...
I think it's time to jump in, jump in the middle and see what happens...
I've been saying that I like the edge, living on the edge, never really living in the center of it all
I feel inadequate in the middle, like I'm drowning...but I think it's time to dive in and really see if I can indeed float or sink....
what better time than now?
This week's Photo Friday challenge is "Crowded"
If I could take a photo inside of my head, that too would be "crowded" - too much going on lately. I feel myself spinning...like when you were a kid when you just looked up at the clouds and spun and spun and spun until you got so dizzy you fell to the ground laughing!
another night of or should I say morning where I am up ...and can't get back to sleep.
i think the baby had the hiccups because it was really jumpy this morning...and maybe that's why i'm up now and can't get back to sleep
or maybe it's because i have so much on mind and it races when i can't sleep and i can hear my own heart beat in my ears and tim breathing next to me and all i can focus on is all this and maybe that's why i can't sleep anymore.
i have to get up in a couple of hours anyway so why not just get out of the warm snuggly bed and have a bowl of cereal (the total cure all) and get something done.
i have a to do list a mile long - something i swore i wouldn't do this year but my mind races way to much to not make lists...and i swear the baby is taking my memory away because i can't seem to remember anything from minute to minute so i feel i have to write things down all the time just to remember what i'm thinking
i feel a bit crazy right now
again, my mind races ...
conflict, confrontations, arguements, overall stress but then i feel the kicks and the squirms and it all seems to be ok
maybe i'm just tired and i need to really get some good sleep but it doesn't seem to be happening anymore
a good thing that happened last night was that i made smores - yup, right on my stove! they were soooo good. my biggest treat that i recently found are "Go Go Grahams" from Trader Joes - you put a dove dark and a marshmallow and you are in total heaven :)
a poster i'm staring at...
MAYBE - we are building a new world
by SARK
"Maybe we'll paint marshmallows purple, and free circus elephants"
this puts it all in perspective now....
So it's been just another day...
days go by and you wonder what did today bring me?
did i learn anything new?
did i experience something that was worth while?
or
am i just happy to have made it to see this day, this beautiful day of life?
the baby is kicking like crazy...my belly is growing by the day and i'm feeling pretty good overall.
Of course there are the usual worries of life and money but I realize I have many things to be grateful for and many things to look forward to...
so today isn't just another day - it's a day closer to meeting this little one growing inside me...
Baby, let's get lost 'til the days get long...
Just you and I
All you gotta do..
Is tell me that it's time to go..
~amanda marshall
If you have the day off today ...try to get out there and do something that matters...keep hope alive in this country.
http://www.mlkday.org/
my crazy sisters/siesta key, fl
Good movies I've seen lately:
~Sideways - hilarious and real
~ Million Dollar Baby - intense, incredible acting, totally amazing story
~ In Good Company - i liked this on so many levels even though it was a simple story. The father/daughter relationship, the way they portrayed corporate america and the way it shouldn't be, the lost soul who found his way through guidance. A good movie
Good thoughts I've had lately:
~ reminding myself over and over everything works out
~ knowing I'm in a room with 6 other women who respect and care for me and who I trust dearly
~ knowing that Tim and I will be the best parents possible, even though it's so hard to grasp sometimes
~ forgiveness can be so freeing
Good eats:
~ Go Go Grahams by Trader Joes - wow, they are so good and with a dove dark chocolate they are even better!
~ sweetarts and almonds (hey I'm pregnant!)
Overall good:
~ having one more day off before going back to work on Tuesday
~ walks with Tim to nowhere
~ being surprised with the Garden State dvd!
~ hot oatmeal in the morning! my apt. is soooo cold!
~ magazines ...I can't get enough of them
~ surprise books from a friend who knows me
~ making dinner for friends
Thoughts on others:
~ thinking and praying for my cousin Jeremy - I know he'll be ok but I want him to be ok now
~ the excitement over seeing old friends and family in a couple of weeks...my aunts laughter is a cure all
~do you ever wonder what kind of music everyone is listening to when you
see them on the streets with their ipods?
~i often want to be a fly on the wall in coffee shops
~i see the same man every morning on the way to work - I wonder where he's going
~i wonder about the man that lives below me...i hear him peeing in the
morning
~what do people think after they walk by me and I smile?
~does anyone see me on the bus like I see them and make a story up about me like I do them?
~do famous people really think that money will buy happiness?
~why do we get jealous? when did jealousy come into play when we were young?
~why is it so hard to forgive certain people and certain events?
~when is enough really enough?
~does the baby inside me really hear what I say?
~does anyone ever see me and wonder if they know me because I look so familiar?
~does God or the Universe or the person I pray to hear me?
~when people Thank God for the win do they really think that God helped them win and the other team or person lose?
my mind races with random thoughts and questions all the time...these are just a few...
Sometimes it's so hard for us to see the light at the end of the tunnel..
We get so wrapped up in what's going on right now that we don't see that it won't be this way forever
These moments will pass ...
We will get through it and we will see the results of our labor
We will see what happens when we try and put forth the effort and really see what we can do.
I talk about this because it's hard to see where we're headed when we're in over our heads in the shit right now....but we need to keep reminding ourselves why we're doing it.
Why?
What is it that we're working towards? For who? What are the rewards?
Or we need to figure out what are the real lessons to learn being in over our heads in shit...
They are there....we just need to stop
Breathe
Be Still
Listen ...
then we'll see it.
the light.
I attended a lecture by the photographer Larry Sultan at the Art Institute here in San Francisco last night, along with local photographer Elana Dorfman. It was amazing to hear them speak about their work along with seeing their work done over the years. It's so inspiring...
Larry said something that has stuck with me since and I can't stop playing it over in my mind "Anyone can take a photo but it's what you do with it that really makes the difference" I just can't get that out of my head. It's so true and I think about this all the time. I see everyone's amazing photos and I see people taking photos all the time but what are they doing with them??
I think this photo blog I have going here is one of my ways to get my photos out there, out of my photo albums, off my computer and out there to share with others, otherwise what's the point?? Yes, there are times when taking the photo and being in that moment is enough but other times you have to see the end result and find a way to share it and do something with it for it be real and matter.
I think this relates to many other avenues in our lives - anyone can do what we do but it's what WE do with it that makes the difference, makes the impact, makes it unique....
something to think about..
Expectations for the New Year
Expectations from friends and family
Expectations from myself...
It becomes too much, I'm going to try to not expect so much
I become disappointed way to often because I expect too much from everyone as well as from myself
Starting right now.. I'm going to try to just let it all be and really enjoy what is and not expect so much all the time
It's not a fun way to live
And hey! I want to have fun!
I want to enjoy what is around me
Who the people are around me
And expecting them to be someone they aren't, expecting them to give what they can not, putting expectations on them and me that just can't be met!
Enough is Enough!
I'm going to try to be open to what will be
Be happy for what is
And just accept what I can't control
And do my best to work through the stuff I can
amy and jarin - siesta key, fl
Back home and feeling really good about it
The heart grows fonder of the place when I'm away
I just like getting away and realizing why I love it here so much
Why I just like to be home
This is until I feel like leaving again....which I'm sure will be sooner rather than later...
My friend Cynthia said something to me today that had me thinking ..
"I'm just going to do what I say I'm going to do"
How simple is that?
Simple. I think.
Why is it so hard to do then?
So...I'm going to try to live up to the simplicity of it and do what I say I'm going to do.
Here's to 2005 -let's all be grateful for what we have, who we have in our life and what lies ahead for all of us.