On Saturday afternoon, after the stress of the week, after relaxing on Friday..
Tim and I went to the beach ..
It was so clear and beautiful we had to get out and get some fresh ocean air..
It was so awesome and so WINDY! Amazing! but cold and windy. We bundled up - with our hats and scarves and walked along the water with the waves crashing
It never ceases to amaze me how powerful and beautiful the ocean is
It scares me but I love it like no other, just the smell, the sounds, the idea, the calm...it takes me somewhere else..
It was just what we needed and wanted...
We survived and we even had a great time!
Yes, we got through cooking Thanksgiving dinner for friends and family..
There were moments of controlled chaos, moments of utter hilarity and moments of being so happy and thankful for everyone that was here that it was possibly one of the best days I've had in a long time....
Moments over the past few days..
~seeing Cynthia waiting for me at the airport
~be so happy to have family here on a holiday
~wearing my orange superhero t-shirt and it getting me through my day
~leaving work early
~cooking
~the help of friends
~my colorful table
~red roses
~laughter and fun
~jenga
~making apple pie
~eating apple pie
~sipping chai and talking about nothing
~seeing the movie "Kinsey"
~my ever growing belly
~feelings of flutter
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Wishing everyone out there a very Happy Thanks-Giving! I wish for you all to be present with anything and everything you do this weekend ~ try to keep that going into your every day lives and routines.
Give without wanting anything back (I need to work on this..)
Be thankful for what you have and try not to keep wanting..just for a second..
(how do we do that??) Not sure, but it sounds like a good plan.
Thank you to all of you who give me such wise words and such joy!
This week I'm freaking out about Thanksgiving dinner
Yes, I'm cooking!
This may not be a big deal for some but for someone who NEVER cooks
It is...
I'm not really freaking out but it is going to be an experience
Something new and exciting
To entertain AND make a huge dinner - all new ....
What I'm thankful for:
My health
My husband
My dear friends and family who support me every day
More to come through out the week....
Waking up today with some anxiety but also anticipation ..
In the shower, I think and smile (my new philosophy of smiling more to myself to keep myself more positive)
I get out, towel off and stand naked in the mirror
Checking myself out and noticing the changes to my shape
Trying to remember everything how it used to be
We go to our Dr. appt
I pee in a cup, weigh in and wait for our dr.
We hear the heart beat again, this time it doesn't take any time to find it
So fast, so awesome
On to the next appt.
The ULTRA SOUND
We walk into this dark calm, relaxing room with a blue ceiling with clouds and birds
I feel myself take a deep breathe
Knowing it will all be ok
We see it
yes, we do
It's actually a baby and not a monkey or an alien
It's a baby
Our baby
It's alive and well, moving around, being so active the technician can't get his readings or good photos right away
I lay there for an hour, waiting, watching
In awe
We're both in awe
We see the head, the nose, the ears, the nose, the hands, legs ...the beating heart
WOW - so amazing and so beautiful
This is the most important thing I, We will do in our lives
To give birth to this being
To raise this being with love and compassion
It was hard to go back to work
To face the day to day
Like nothing really fabulous happened
But it did.....
I'm trying to be more positive lately
I try to wake up, take a shower and smile at myself in the mirror
I try this early so I have a little bit of peace and quiet in the morning
Before life turns on
Before I leave the calm of my apartment
Positive
Staying positive and real - authentic
Andrea talks about being in the moment - slowing down and being in the moment.
I try to check in with myself a couple of times a day when I notice I'm just going, going, going and not really happy
At work, there really isn't anywhere to go so I go to the bathroom
I sit, sit and just sit for a few minutes
Breathe
Trying to be positive
Trying to look for those moments when the smile just creeps up
Positive
Trying to be positive lately
Tim and I went to see "Motorcycle Diaries" tonight ~ I must recommend it to everyone. A must see.
So beautifully done ~ humor and great lessons to be learned.
It spoke to me about how travel opens the mind and the soul. How one can see so much and experience so much. It can change who we really are.
You expect one thing and get something totally different.
"Let the world change you ..... and you can change the world..."
It makes me want to jump on a plane, a bike even, anything .... to just go and experience it all. Meet all the interesting people out there who have something to teach me. See all the beautiful places .....
Jaden's 1st Birthday cake and Birthday wish - I wish for him to have a better tomorrow.
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I've had some pretty vivid dreams lately, some good some bad.
I never really remembered my dreams before but lately I remembering them more and more.
All day long, they are in my head. Still going sometimes.....
I often dream of death; noone ever wants to hear that but it's true. I used to think about death a lot ~ it's not as often or as bad as it used to be but my dreams sure have it.
I looked up the meaning of death in a dream book a friend had. It told me it's not a bad omen or anything. It's usually meaning a rebirth of something. A rebirth or a birth? A rebirth of me? A birth of my baby? I wonder....
It made me feel a little better but the uneasiness still lingers. I hope to one day be at peace about the thoughts and the dreams.
But for now, they are still a little unsettling.
I'm in mourning.
Not of the "oh, I'm so sorry who died" kind of mourning but the kind of mourning you do for your clothes that no longer fit.
I had to store away my clothes the other night, I had to make room for bigger clothes, I had to put them away for now, hopefully not forever.
I laugh at myself a little bit but the other night I wasn't laughing.
I grabbed my step stool, took down the storage tub and started filling it with my jeans, my favorite black pants, the too small shirts that I don't think I could get away with wearing. Oh, but I did keep some out just in case I feel the urge, but otherwise I filled the tub with my too small clothes.
There was a tug, a tug at my heart for my old self, my self. Pure emotional sadness. I told myself I would get those jeans back, it wouldn't be forever. I promised myself they'd be back, I'd be back. I was in mourning.
It's weird to feel this way but I'm sure it's "normal". Losing my waist, my shape, has been harder that I thought. I feel better today but those jeans have been on my mind all day. I'll get over it, I'm sure other sadness and joy will come but for now I'll sit with this awhile. Acknowledge the denim. Acknowledge myself.
I think my biggest fear is losing myself, storing me away until a later time and never coming back to pick me up. Maybe that's what's underneath all this denim? My identity - myself. As a person, as a woman, as a wife, and soon to be mother.
All these feelings are creeping in and I'm trying to deal with them but they're surprising me, they're just there in front of me, staring at me in the mirror. Feeling sexy is hard, trying to find myself is hard. Everyone is telling me this is "normal", that everything will be ok. I know, I know, deep down I know. But for now I feel this.
Last night Tim and I went out to see one of our favorite comedians ~ Mike Birbiglia at the Punchline.
This guy makes us laugh like no one else and to listen to Tim laugh next to me makes me laugh even harder.
Laughter is such good medicine!
I'm paying for it tonight, because I'm exhausted but it was so worth it.
Go out and get some much needed laughter today...we all need it.
Here's to silliness and friendship...
Here's to laughter is the best medicine..
Here's to pep talks..
Here's to knowing someone will be there no matter what..
Here's to long distance conversations..
Here's to quality not quantity..
Here's to delicious cupcakes!
I've gotten over the election - well I really haven't but I've come to say "move on." Just get through the next 4 years and then we'll really have an election! I know I can spend the next 4 years doing my part.
Yesterday - Saturday November 6th was officially "get out of funk day - start living day!"
This whole weekend was. I've realized and yes, I'm slow. But I've come to realize that I'm wound a bit tight, not really enjoying the day to day and worrying too much about stuff I can't really control ~ so it's high time to start living!
Living as much as I possibly can in the time I have here.
It was beautiful outside yesterday, the sun was shining and all was good in my world.
I had the opportunity to celebrate Andrea's Birthday with her and listen to the beautifully talented Martine play - man, she's amazing and every time I see her I am reminded of that.
Yesterday was another great day for another reason; I am officially "showing" and my belly is getting BIGGER! Man, it's weird and funny and wonderful all at the same time. It's just so different - to watch your belly get big and nothing else; well my boobs are getting bigger too but thank god not at the same rate as the belly :) I'm actually "feeling" pregnant! Nothing else too exciting has been happening which is good but it's nice to start "feeling" it. I'm sure in a couple more months I'll be wishing for this time back because I'll be a "brick house" walking around, but for now I'm loving every minute of it.
Waiting, watching...
Wondering when we'll hear who will be our President...
What will the next 4 years be like? Will we know? Can we even predict?
Some say yes - depending on who is really elected?
I don't think so... we can think we know but we won't....
The uncertainty of life
That's what we have to live with every day - the ups and the downs and the unexpected.
That's what we want, we want excitment, we want to not know everything.
Well I think we want to know but then we find out we really don't.
I'm just feeling so disconnected lately -with myself, work, life, friends, family.
Is it the weather, is it the pregnancy or is it just life as we know it.
Waiting, wondering....
OR
do we stop waiting and stop wondering and just start DOING!
