chronicles of a girl

photobooth image ~ pop art of 21 week belly

age 6: realizing that telling my kindergarten class that my mom was "pregnant" was somehow wrong... finding out for the first time how it felt to be made wrong

age 10/4th grade: getting suspended from school with 2 other friends for writing a nasty note to a classmate; realizing after the fact that people even if they are your "friends" really don't stand by your side. i was the one "outed" the other 2 were seen as innocent bystanders. realizing i was alone.....

age 11/5th grade: first heartbreak by a boy named jeremy

age 11/5th grade: first realized that boys liked blonde girls more than brown haired girls

age 13/7th grade: second heartbreak by a boy named jeff; this went on for 3 years

age 13/7th grade: coming to terms with knowing i was a follower and not a leader. took a school wide test that declared me depressed. this is only the beginning

age 13/7th grade: my best friend and i are joined at the hip, finally feel loved...this will last until i'm 17

age 15/9th grade: smoke pot for the first time and last time for a long time

10th grade: meet a guy named Ken in my drivers ed; first time a "cool" guy paid attention to me.

10th grade: finally get boobs ~ late bloomer

11th grade: made the hockey cheerleading team and my life changed dramatically and was never the same after

11th grade: get arrested at a underage drinking party; scared to death of my dad ...but ends up it wasn't that big of a deal and all the charges were dropped

11th grade: best friend and i break up

11th grade: start dating my first real boyfriend; this will be a tumultous affair that will last until my sophmore year of college

Age 20 - spent 48 hours in psych ward; realizing many many years later this was a good thing and how much my friends cared about me. I'm only sorry it took me that long to appreciate them for this

never felt like i belonged anywhere and that has carried on through out my life. there have been times where i was a part of a group that i felt loved and taken care of but always having a bit of anxiety that the rug was going to get pulled out from underneath.

this hasn't changed.

i guess now after all these years and being a part of this family i have created i'm trying to dig myself, my true self out and finding out who that person really is can be frightening but also refreshing.

becoming a mother was something i dearly wanted but when it came about and now 2 years into it my feelings are not what i expected or thought they should be. i love my daughter beyond belief and would do anything for her but coming to terms with the should's and the actually is has been a learning experience for me. i guess realizing that finally .... after all these years is freeing..

I tell myself every morning in the mirror to not be subject to what "everyone else" wants me to be and do my best to be who i want to be....

Posted by stef at September 27, 2007 05:12 PM