roadside waterfall ~ road to hana, hawaii
This past year I've felt overwhelmed, exhausted, pulled in every
direction possible, happier than I've ever been, along with being very
sad and lost.
I've been confused as to who I am and what I'm doing.
Confused as to what this website of mine really is, should be or what
I really want it to be. I've shied away from making it all about
Kadison or me being a mom but that's what my world is so why do I shy
away from it? Why aren't I happy to talk all about Kadison? Why
aren't I comfortable being who I really am? Why aren't I comfortable
being a mom? So many questions go through this head of mine...
I wanted this so bad, I wanted to be a mom so bad and then it
happened and of course was nothing I ever imagined!
I've noticed I go go go and never really THINK about what the outcome
is really going to be like. I plan, plan, plan and want the end
result but don't really think about what the end result is actually going
to look like. Why?
Don't get me wrong I love being Kadison's mom and I couldn't imagine
her not in my life. I've been so blessed. It's just that I feel I've lost something along with the gain of this precious little being I call my daughter.
I want to enjoy my life; all that it is. Being a mom, a woman, a
wife, a friend. I want to slow down and enjoy all of this.
I feel the exhausted overwhelmed me is coming up for air and now I'm a bit
stuck as to what to do next.
I want to start by treating my body and soul better; and with that will come better skin, better body, better feelings about myself.
Again, the planning but the getting started is where I need the jump start...
I want to start writing more; here. I want to be out seeing all the
nooks and crevices to photograph. I want to be out playing with
Kadison and really being the role model I want her to have. I want
to be going on dates with my husband and reconnecting with him;
rediscovering why we fell in love in the first place. I want to
search out new ways to create, to get inspired, to find passion. I
want to connect with other moms; really talk to them about our ever
changing lives.
I feel I've spent my life planning, searching, yearning. it's time to
start living.
now.
come join me.
Stef,
I absolutely love looking at your photos and reading your website. You are an amazing writer. I love how honest and bold you are and so unafraid of sharing yourself. I think you are an inspiration to many, including me. It seems like the most aspiring creative people have the same discontent that you do. always feeling as if you can be and do more. I think it comes with your creative side. You will find balance in time. Kadison is soooo adorable.
~Denise Miller
Hello! I haven't gotten the chance to read a lot of your posts so far, but I like you already. I have a daughter named Kadison as well. Kadison Scot, and she is 5 years old. It's a magical name for two magical girls!
Kadison's mom,
Misha
The more you tell it like it really, truly is for you, the easier it will be.
I just also wanted to remind you to just jump in and do stuff. Take action. There's NO WAY you can figure out your dreams in your head. You have to get your hands messy with finger paints or potting soil or balsamic vinegar or newsprint or axel grease or whatever accidentally wonderful thing you stumble upon while you're out exploring your world.
Posted by: Becky at April 26, 2006 06:06 PMyes, Yes, YES. you are writting the story of my soul. mine is three but i still feel very much to same way. it's wonderful, it's divine, it's love in the flesh. but it's so much more, so much i never imagined or couted on. and some of that so much more takes me away from me and leaves me feeling broken and invisible. tell your stories. share your soul. we need the light! we need the beauty!
Posted by: la vie en rose at April 26, 2006 11:47 AMooooooooh, i'm so feeling you on this one!
Posted by: nina at April 26, 2006 10:47 AMsearching for the same passion.
find your inner peace and the rest will follow.
i hear you. ~dps
wow Stef. Lovely post. I really felt what you were saying here. I found this inspirational.
Good luck.
Jenn
Posted by: Jenn at April 26, 2006 05:21 AM