as others have said, you're not alone in your feelings! i struggling with many of the exact same things on a daily basis. glad to know that *none* of us are alone!

amen....

and that little 9 month girlie is precious.
oh those fluffy cheeks. you want to gobble
them up!

my friend...

I keep wondering when life starts to feel perfect. I work some; I wish I worked less.

I spent yesterday with a playgroup and left feeling icky. couldn't place my finger on why until later when T pointed out I don't play that game...

what game?

the game of keeping up with the playgroup (joneses). I don't care about cars or big houses or the right preschool or the right diaper bag. then I get in this group of stay at home moms (4 out of six are prego with #2, the 5th is "trying") and I feel so out of place. I feel so "which one of these is not like the others" - I want to ask them about their passions, what do they care about in life besides playing the stupid pointless who's better than who game and pretending they're not.

anyway...I get jealous of them too. I get jealous that they are home all the time and get to schedule music classes, gym classes, swimming classes throughout the week. but then I know I wouldn't do that anyway!

whew. I hope someday to get where you are too :)
we are all in the same big pot of soup!

love,
me

i enjoyed last night so much... it was great talking with you, great to see the sparkle in your eyes; hear the heart in your words. you are so much farther along the path than i was at your age... each day you put something on your blog, your channelling your passionate impatience into something beautiful and transforming for you and all of us around you. the photos of kadison are amazing... not every mom can do that. interesting coincidence that as kadison strives towards her first steps, you are symbolically doing the same. cheers! snowsparkle

Wow. I wrote a lot, didn't I? Ha.

Well, I feel passionately about it. Last year I made a serious effort to overcome the EXACT things you're talking about. So, I guess, I can just really relate. :)

You're not alone, Stef. And I think jealousy is completely natural... I know I experience it all the time!

Whenever I find myself wanting to have traits of those I'm jealous of (confidance, bravery, creativeness), I practice playing the part. I know it sounds silly. But I was able to teach illustration workshops (something I was terribly afraid of!) just by ACTING confidant. Who had to know I was really scared to death to talk to a room full of college kids? The more I acted the part of the confidant person, the more confidant I felt.

Also, this past year I've tried to just DO the things that make me excited, and terrified at the same time. Sometimes the more scary something is, the better it is for you to do it, I think. It helps you to trust and believe in yourself. It's easy, for me at least, to let my battles be defeated in my own head before I ever get a chance to give it a go for myself. It's easy to let all the scary bits, the consequences of your possible actions, overwhelm you. This year, we moved to Alaska and had a baby, two things we would have put off to our graves if we waited for the "right" time, even though we really, really wanted to make the move and have children. And even though they were scary experiences, they have improved our lives tenfold. We're happier than we've ever been.

I'd say, just DO IT, Stef. You are a strong and beautiful woman. And, you deserve to be happy. You rock, chick. I have ultimate confidance in your ability to embrace a more fulfilling life. :)

Also, that little girl of yours is stunning. Could her eyes be any more beautiful? Take care. xoxo.

your words speak to my heart. you're not alone friend!!!

oh sweetie, you're not alone in your feelings of jealousy! i think to feel jealous is actually healthy bc it makes you realize you have dreams and then role models of the things and people and scenes you are jealous of!