That's how I've felt over the past few weeks, months even..
Swimming in circles...Spinning my wheels...
I'm finally feeling like I'm sinking...no floating, no staying above the water...
I put pressure on myself in all areas of my life - marriage, mothering, work, this blog, everything!
I want to be the sassy one, I want to be honest one, I want to be the one with the cool photo and the greatest thing said one...I just want things to be easier..I want to figure it all out and be "that" one...
But it's not happening
I want to try to keep this blog up but it's just not feeling like I can, I want to figure out why I started this in the first place or think about what I want to say now
When things get a little easier I'll be back.....
i know...i feel so much the same way. i wish i knew how to let go of all the pressure. i do think you are selling yourself short. your words and spirit are amazing and a ministry to all of your readers. i've been reading you for about a year now and each time i see you've updated i get excited. i love the depth of your heart and the honesty of your journey. you are light, even if you feel you're in darkness.
Posted by: la vie en rose at January 11, 2006 11:37 AMyou're here b/c we read you. i've kept reading even though i've been quiet. but i understand. i quit blogging months ago b/c it started to feel like pressure instead of a place to relax and be myself. i was sad b/c i didn't think anyone read it. i was jealous b/c so many others seemed more connected. it stopped being fun.
but i'd miss you if you left. stay. you are more real than others i read. i appreciate that you say things in a voice i know you would use talking to a friend rather than a philosopher. it's insightful and accessable.
take care...
Posted by: lindsey at January 10, 2006 03:26 PMI think that when I became a mom- I realized I could not be perfect- could not be superwoman- and in time I was ok with that. Now that I have had my 3rd- I quit my job. Just can't be in so many places at one time. Cant keep spinning my wheels so much. It was a wonderful decision, however, at times, I do grieve my former self. I miss the girl that had her own space to go, her own desk, and her own projects. But I wouldn't go back. (Would like the paycheck though). Hang in there.
Posted by: Sam at January 10, 2006 07:59 AMI think you have the problem that most of women do have (like myself!). Perfectionism! We do not have to be the best in every thing. Thinking for being perfect all the time puts lots of pressure and sometimes the feeling of guilt. We feel guilty as we are not making the best of our time, our marriage, work,…and again we think and think and think in a cycle! I think there is no way out of it except doing something that we like without thinking much about the results. Do something you like, even if it is not that much perfect that you want. Focus on that thing seriously and do not leave it. You will find the joy in it. Action will give you satisfaction.
We are just normal human beings, with all the fears, doubts, guilt … That perfect sassy guys are only fictions in the movies. Forget them and enjoy your normal life.
I recommend you to find some papers or sources to read about Perfectionism especially “Negative” perfectionism. It was my problem for years. I had the same feeling as you and still have some! When I found the case, my life got much easier.