I've been absent, I haven't known what to say
I feel I'm lost
I feel like I'm losing myself little by little
I try to be present and really think and feel but it's lost
I can't seem to find it
I think that it will come back, that it will all come streaming back into me
And I wait
I do
And I wait
But nothing comes
I feel full but also very very empty
A friend told me that my spirit is feeding my little girl and that I will get it all back
But for now I'm feeding my little girl
I guess that makes it ok
It has to
I'm impatient and really bad about being present and here right now
My mind races onto the many other things and I know she feels it
I feel it - I know what's going on
I try to stop it
I try
But it keeps going - faster and faster like it doesn't want to be caught
Then I breathe
I breathe in and out ...slowly
I catch myself
Now I'm just waiting to find myself
Believe me...I know where you are, and in a lot of ways I'm still there.
For one or two seconds, think about Stef. What does STEF want right in this moment? Do you need an hour for yourself - not for your daughter, not for your job, but for you?
I find pieces of myself daily that I thought I'd lost. Maybe when my daughter is grown, I'll have all of me back!
My friend Deb calls it “placenta brain” ~ it comes out with the baby.
It will take time... but it will grow back... it will just be different.
I don’t have any children, but I can hear your frustration.
I wish for you scented herbal tea, a carton of colourful crayons and wads of blank paper to go to town on, feathers which fall by your feet that remind you of the presence of angels, & silly laughs that infiltrate the very thread of your everyday.
Blessings to you!
love and laughter,
Leonie
Dearest Stef
You will find yourself again. But it will be someone slightly different. Just like growing a new friendship, take the time to learn about who you are...now. It takes time to "get close" to a new friend. We are usually guarded in a new relationship. Let your old guard down and get to know the newer you.
xoxo
~dps