I'm in mourning.
Not of the "oh, I'm so sorry who died" kind of mourning but the kind of mourning you do for your clothes that no longer fit.
I had to store away my clothes the other night, I had to make room for bigger clothes, I had to put them away for now, hopefully not forever.
I laugh at myself a little bit but the other night I wasn't laughing.
I grabbed my step stool, took down the storage tub and started filling it with my jeans, my favorite black pants, the too small shirts that I don't think I could get away with wearing. Oh, but I did keep some out just in case I feel the urge, but otherwise I filled the tub with my too small clothes.
There was a tug, a tug at my heart for my old self, my self. Pure emotional sadness. I told myself I would get those jeans back, it wouldn't be forever. I promised myself they'd be back, I'd be back. I was in mourning.
It's weird to feel this way but I'm sure it's "normal". Losing my waist, my shape, has been harder that I thought. I feel better today but those jeans have been on my mind all day. I'll get over it, I'm sure other sadness and joy will come but for now I'll sit with this awhile. Acknowledge the denim. Acknowledge myself.
I think my biggest fear is losing myself, storing me away until a later time and never coming back to pick me up. Maybe that's what's underneath all this denim? My identity - myself. As a person, as a woman, as a wife, and soon to be mother.
All these feelings are creeping in and I'm trying to deal with them but they're surprising me, they're just there in front of me, staring at me in the mirror. Feeling sexy is hard, trying to find myself is hard. Everyone is telling me this is "normal", that everything will be ok. I know, I know, deep down I know. But for now I feel this.
Posted by stef at November 11, 2004 10:48 PMOh Stef, your life IS going to change dramatically and it will probably be a little crazy for a while but you will have a new person to share "you" with. No one else is like you. You have experienced so much in your life already and so many places and you will be able to share those experiences with your little girl or little boy. All those experiences have made you the person you are right now. You will have a bond like nothing else you have ever experienced in your life. You might not be able to fit into all your "normal" clothes right away but when you do you will have come full circle and added another experience to your life.
I love you Stefanie Renee' and I know you will make time for yourself. You married a wonderful person who will help you do that.
Posted by: Erin at November 13, 2004 07:07 PMYou're amazing, Stef. Everything you write is so valid and so touching and so, so real... I'm in mourning right along with you. Thanks for sharing it all. I wish I could commiserate with you and say I know how you feel, but all I can really say is... I'm listening! And I love hearing what you have to say.
Posted by: cynthia at November 12, 2004 06:44 PMJeans are jeans Stef. A baby is a lifetime. This
is only one small sacrifice that you'll make for this little person-the one who will brighten your world more than you can ever imagine. Consider your changing body as growing, not something that you are losing. Every experience enriches our lives and bringing a life into the world is just about as incredible as it gets.
Love your body because what it is experiencing now is simply amazing! Live, love, laugh and learn - and also grow really really really big, bring a little baby into the world, love every minute of parenthood and jump for joy the day you really can fit into those jeans again :) Just think how happy you'll be then. . .
I completely agree with Jody! Embrace the changes in your life!
Love Mom
Sorry..don't know how that got in there twice, but it was good enuff for two, huh? haha.
Posted by: Jody at November 12, 2004 08:18 AMOh Stef,
I love the fact that you always have so much going on in your head. Whether it's positive or negative, you're always thinking and expressing it.
You don't have to lose yourself!!!! Please don't! I used to tell you about my friend Shannon in California. She was the wildest child in the early 70's when we were young. She had that first baby and turned into a Stepford Wife...and I used to say that before you guys knew what a Stepford Wife was!! That doesn't have to happen to you.
You will have to make compromises and you will gladly make them, but be true to yourself and Make Time for yourself. You won't be able to at first, but after you get in your groove with the new baby you have to get back to your writing and your group of friends. That's what makes you, you, and your child will love you for it.
Write stories for the little shrimp. Paint pictures for it. Cultivate yourself and your little family will grow to be so happy.
Don't lose yourself in schedules and "I have to's." Put that baby on your back and explore Machu Picchu!!
I have to share a story with you from years ago when I worked at Coke. One of my office co workers was about 6 months along. She walked through the office and one guy turned to another and said, "You know, there is something so sexy about a pregnant woman." He really meant it. I was so intrigued cuz men are usually so stupid about womens changing bodies. So, enjoy each step of the way and feel vibrant and sexy!!! Life is growing inside you...it's such an amazing thing.
Use this experience to write about how you feel. You are doing it now. That's so theraputic.
I hope you are keeping a journal. How cool will that be when your baby is older.
You go girl!! Own your pregnancy, your new life and your future. Do it anyway you like. You don't have to follow any rules.
Just don't lose your identity!!!!
Jody
Oh Stef,
I love the fact that you always have so much going on in your head. Whether it's positive or negative, you're always thinking and expressing it.
You don't have to lose yourself!!!! Please don't! I used to tell you about my friend Shannon in California. She was the wildest child in the early 70's when we were young. She had that first baby and turned into a Stepford Wife...and I used to say that before you guys knew what a Stepford Wife was!! That doesn't have to happen to you.
You will have to make compromises and you will gladly make them, but be true to yourself and Make Time for yourself. You won't be able to at first, but after you get in your groove with the new baby you have to get back to your writing and your group of friends. That's what makes you, you, and your child will love you for it.
Write stories for the little shrimp. Paint pictures for it. Cultivate yourself and your little family will grow to be so happy.
Don't lose yourself in schedules and "I have to's." Put that baby on your back and explore Machu Picchu!!
I have to share a story with you from years ago when I worked at Coke. One of my office co workers was about 6 months along. She walked through the office and one guy turned to another and said, "You know, there is something so sexy about a pregnant woman." He really meant it. I was so intrigued cuz men are usually so stupid about womens changing bodies. So, enjoy each step of the way and feel vibrant and sexy!!! Life is growing inside you...it's such an amazing thing.
Use this experience to write about how you feel. You are doing it now. That's so theraputic.
I hope you are keeping a journal. How cool will that be when your baby is older.
You go girl!! Own your pregnancy, your new life and your future. Do it anyway you like. You don't have to follow any rules.
Just don't lose your identity!!!!
Jody